embracing the aftermath
Getting ready for bed last night/this morning, I almost wanted to rush back to the laptop and write what I’d just realized (until I decided it could wait until daylight).
Whenever I post something about complicated tangled feelings, immediately after, I feel ashamed. Not of “airing dirty laundry” per se, but of having feelings. That I thought were important enough to express in public.
Even though I’ve been blogging for over 5 years, whenever I do a post like last night’s, I wait for the axe to fall. I wonder how long it’ll take for me to realize down in my bones that no axe is going to fall?
Musing about being (chronically) lonely on this blog was better than doing so on Twitter because no one responded, so I didn’t get sidetracked by anyone’s attempts to give advice (that wouldn’t actually help), but would make me feel worse. I’d feel guilty that their advice didn’t work, as if that meant I was defective at following it, rather than the truth, which is that… 97% of the advice I receive will not effectively foster what I’m trying to do. I’ve already tried all the obvious stuff, and it’s all failed. I’ve tried less-obvious stuff, and it all failed too. Nothing I’ve ever tried works consistently, but, from what I can observe in person, on social media, and on community blogs, other people have techniques that make friends consistently, as a matter of course. So…
I’m a lifelong learner, I’m more than willing to “work on” any aspect of my behavior that’s problematic (socially or otherwise).
I’m reluctantly concluding that whatever the problem is, I can’t learn my way out of it.
What’s left to me, then, is… changing how I feel/think about it.
- What metaphors can I use that depict my reality in an appealing way?
- Are there role models out in the world who are already living like this, happily and successfully? Who are they? Do they have techniques I could borrow?
- Are there stories I can tell about why I do things the way I do that are affirming and encouraging?
- What advantages are there to being this way?
- What innovations become possible from being/doing this way?
What’s awesome about Being Me?
dreaming fish 
Oh my God. You’ve just penned down exactly what I’m going through. I feel lonely 24/7, and admitting this is ironic, considering the fact that I share the world with 7 billion people, plus the fact that communication via the Internet is so e a s y and instant; how can anyone feel so lonely. I used to let out my feelings on Twitter, but I feel that Twitter has been taken over by the teenage group who tweet absolute bullshit sometimes…which is why I find blogging a better way of letting out whatever’s inside me without a maximum character restriction. Anyways, apart from my crap story, this post is very well written.