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Dreams: 12.25.18

December 25, 2018

1.

I’m being shown the ropes with a new temping agency. My mother is inexplicably there with me, as the account rep, a woman, takes me around. The rep has heard, somewhere, that when I have had assignments where I interact with people directly that I’m… opinionated. That hasn’t gone over very well, so she suggests I do greetings only. Be the public face, but don’t/barely talk.

Inwardly, I’m dismayed, as I recall it’s not particularly skilled work, and therefore, won’t pay well. I need more money so I can move into my own place.

The account rep leads me to… clothes racks, with lots of pretty clothes. I’m to be an ornament, yes? So apparently I’m to be paid in ‘scrip’ which is these clothes.            They are very colorful and attractive. The woman starts explaining how to put the outfits together ‘properly’, though, and I realize I’ll need to wear nylons again, present as femme. I haven’t done that in years.

Also, being paid in clothes… how do I eat? Pay rent?

My mother, though, approves of me taking this job where I’d be “turned out nice”, staying quiet, and of course, now being unable to afford to claim an independent life.

=

Even so, I’m excited about the prospect of trying new things (including pretty new clothes). Also, perhaps some things can be negotiated.          Even if I’m stuck living with my parents a while longer, this opportunity is something I’m choosing.

+

 

2.

My sister is divorcing her husband, and it’s a good thing for some reason.

I seem to be younger than my sister — she’s mid-30s, while I’m maybe 10 years younger.

As I’m idly listening to her tell someone else all the details, at her house, I’m first looking out a window onto their grassy yard (that resembles the Stitzells’ yard). Then I’m looking into a closet that holds a messy flower arrangement. I see movement on the wall, partly hidden by the flowers. It’s a large furry spider, 4 – 5 inches long, medium grey with a white stripe, handsome. I consider grabbing a glass to move it outside, but decide to leave it be.

I feel a kinship with and an interest in the spider that I don’t feel with my sister or her friend.

=

It’s almost like the house and I and the spider are somehow connected with each other. We’re part of one thing, not a household, but something analogous.            My sister, even though she “owns” the house, is not part of this, nor is her friend.

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3.

I’m in high school, but I haven’t been attending classes regularly. My mother’s been having a room built for me in their basement, but finishing it keeps getting delayed.

Some school thing is coming up where I know the administration is going to ask my mother why I haven’t been attending school, and then Bad Things Will Happen.

I’m resentfully muttering to myself about how I wanted to attend public school — you know, where they offer classes I’d actually be interested in.

My mother does find out about my truancy, does say I don’t ‘deserve’ the new room after all. But she is, instead, going to keep me cooped up in the unfinished basement, indefinitely. No one will remember that I’m even alive, she tells me, so I’ll never escape!

But then… the local public school I wanted to attend sends people to ask about me attending there. I have to go to high school somewhere, and since I want to go there, maybe now I can…

I wake up.

=

Left to my own devices, I don’t do (almost) anything voluntary every single day. Choosing to do specific things on days when I have the requisite physical, mental, and emotional energies available, and, just as important, when I want to do them, works much better.

Naturally, I didn’t discover this optimal way of being until I was far away from my parents, compulsory schooling, but also having to be at a job — and be alert and sociable — beginning at 8 a.m. (when I’m a night owl: don’t normally awake until noonish, don’t arrive at “alert and sociable” until 2 p.m.ish), etc., etc.

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