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Dream: 8.13.18

August 14, 2018

Beginning:

Spouse and I were bobbing along in deep river water (not swimming, not treading water), watching critters in the water with us. I saw cool small fish… right before they were gobbled up by a bigger (yellow) fish, 3 separate times. That was sad.

I saw an (also upright, but fully submerged) bird shaped sort of like a penguin, but bigger. Spouse immediately recognized its sort by name (?!).

Later, where the water was much shallower, we were sort of dogpaddling, when we saw a whale’s tail, and it surfaced right by us. I was entranced, but Spouse was miffed.

The whole time, I regretted not having a notebook with me, and was hoping I could remember all the cool critters so I could write them down. I planned to sketch the penguin-bird.

+

Middle/Transition:

Spouse, the driver, has stopped our car at a gas station, to replenish our fuel before meeting back up with my parents and assorted family members, so we can ‘travel in caravan’ to some further destination.

Then, we’re inside the building, chatting about nothing in particular, when Spouse pushes a button/pulls a lever and suddenly there are steps leading to a basement access, which he descends toward. A door opens, and he steps into a ‘cage’ as its filling with muddy water. He leaves (!).

{Within the dream} I understand this to mean that this is the way to ‘cross’ under the Lake, to where my parents are, on the other side. But… am I supposed to hold my breath in the water? How high does the water go? Does your head go under? Are you in the dark? What should I expect?

I can’t, I won’t, enter a watery cage without knowing any of that.

But with Spouse gone, there’s no one to ask. I dither.

+

Abruptly, the entire gas station starts moving, picks up speed. It’s become a train.

At first, my big issue is that we’re traveling so fast, by the time I figure out where we’ve arrived at, we might be 20, 50, even 100 miles away from my parents. Will that distance mean they will abandon me wherever I’m at? How much of a distance isn’t ‘too much’ bother to come meet me?

I discover that the train is actually on a route, so presumably, it’ll eventually arrive back at where Spouse and I encountered it. However, when? For how long?

+

Nightmare begins:

I will have to call someone for help.

I pull out my phone, and — as always happens in a dream like this — I cannot get the phone’s number pad to appear. (Nor my phone’s contact list.)

I go through anything and everything, trying screen after screen, but no number pad. (This lasts a looooooong time.)

I go searching for someone else, find people seated as if this really was a train. I sit down next to a woman in her 20s, with curly brown hair. I tell her a bit of my issue, she plays around with my phone, too, but it doesn’t work for her either.

A boy walks by, 12, 13, talking (via headset) to friends in a farther compartment. I stop him, figuring he’s tech-savvy; he exchanges seats with the woman. I introduce myself, explain my problem.

He works on it a while, confers with his friends. Everyone’s stumped.

I confide in them that actually reaching my parents will be highly unpleasant, as they will heap insults on my head for being ‘so stupid’. I explain I’m actually quite smart, except for this blindspot with my phone.

A short smiling woman with short white hair, looking to be maybe 5-6 years older than me, approaches me to tell me my (new) short haircut looks really good on me. I thank her, pleased. (I realize for a quick second that I could really savor the comment, the lovely positive feedback, if only I wasn’t in the midst of this crisis.)

Later still, a guy in his 60s in a sharp suit, comes by and wants to help. He works in some high-tech security-related field.

At one point, my phone expands into tablet-sized, and all 4 of us are peering at the screen’s wonders. But still, no numbers.

Finally, finally, I give up on all this, and, defeated, ask to borrow someone’s phone. The security guy offers his.

I explain to him, too, how dreadful hearing from my parents is going to be. I’m shaking with nerves. (I internally wonder if giving him Spouse’s number is a bad idea — will it put Spouse on a list somewhere — but realize everyone is probably on a list somewhere. In any case, I really need to talk to someone I know, so…)

I can’t remember Spouse’s phone number, type in something starting with 669. Realize that’s not it. Consider (only for a few seconds) calling my parents. Then I take a deep breath, and type in the correct number for Spouse.

The security guy’s display shows the call being connected, with a visual display of its route. I only recall one leg — it reached Oklahoma City. It seemed to be taking a really long time to connect, but looking at the display was the first thing (since seeing the water critters) that made me feel interested and engaged, that made me feel like myself.

I woke up.

+++

NOTES:

Spouse and I are re-watching season 1 of Stranger Things, so that’s likely a proximate reason for this dream. But also, the trilp.

++

I feel myself when I’m observing my environment, when I’m noticing my neighbors big and small.

+

When I’m unexpectedly left alone, (in the dream) I don’t observe my situation and experiment. No, I turn to a device, to technology, but not to address my immediate issue.

I try to reach out to people who are going to scream at me, first; not ask me what’s going on, or how they can help; and definitely not people who would encourage and affirm my choices.

Why am I so afraid of assessing where I am? What do I want to do next?

+

It’s almost like… when I’m uncertain and scared, if I’m not being screamed at, I… lose confidence in my abilities to assess, experiment, improvise.

Meeting challenges skillfully is not at all why I’m useful to my family of origin {I almost wrote, “…is not why I’m valued and appreciated”, but hahaha, that’s crazy talk}. I’m useful as a bad example, that everyone else feels superior to. I’m not supposed to succeed at anything.

+

What’s going on in my life that makes these kinds of dreams recur?

++

Maybe I’m on the cusp of a creative breakthrough, but I’m unconsciously afraid to follow through with the daring leaps required because that would explicitly mean I was relying on my own judgment?

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