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Wk 2: nurturing myself

December 15, 2015

12/10

Felt sort of naked, as you do, after posting what do I fear? It seemed to clear out more debris in my unconscious, opening doors to rooms I’d forgotten about.

Those fears/memories are old. They’re a sign of just how much progress I’ve made in the last few years, because, while wrenching in the moment, they were just words. They’re not true, they’re not really about me, and they’re actually irrelevant.

My internal tectonic plates are shifting, and I think I’m finally on the threshold of becoming the person I should be.

 

12/11

I told the eye doctor during my appointment that I was “so stressed out and anxious”; later I explained that I have an anxiety disorder. In response, she gave me lots of reassuring feedback, and I did calm down and relax. (Especially good given how long our meeting was.)

 

12/12

Sitting on the floor in my studio in the dark (a thing I’ve started doing, to better imagine possibilities), I realized it’s starting to feel like it’s somehow related to the attic in Gramma’s house. Like they’re… sister-spaces, somehow.

I think that means that my past is beginning to knit together with my present. I’m becoming congruent in a whole new way.

 

12/13

Continued to reflect on the documentary Spouse and I watched about (Sesame Street’s) Big Bird a few nights ago.

Taking the garbage out after breakfast, spontaneously sat under a tree for about 30 minutes. (Even though my morning coffee was waiting for me inside.) Gave my whole day a boost.

For the first time, I considered how I normally behave when I’m euphoric. Realized that the bump in emotional energy I get… usually goes to waste because I’m not sure how best to use it. And definitely if I get on social media, my good mood evaporates quickly, and by the time I get off social media, I feel utterly deflated and depleted. I think part of that is because… the good news other people share on social media is social news, which I rarely have any of (and when I do have it, it’s often negative). There’s no easy way to ‘share’ feeling good about things that are not-human-social. It’s not even Twitter’s fault; I can’t figure out how to do it with people in person either.

My inner life (rather than my human-social life) is where all my complexity and joy and wonder reside, but… I have no models for ‘sharing my inner life’ with other people.

Well, I can tweet about painful things. (Which are mostly ignored by everyone.) But when/if I tweet about something lovely and uplifting, no one cares about that either. It’s quite discouraging.

= = =

Serious conversation with Spouse ended up in unexpected territory. But I learned things about his life that I hadn’t realized.

= = =

We watched an experimental film together. It sparked ideas for both of us.

 

12/14

Deleted email folders for people I’m no longer friends or proto-friends with.

= = =

Ridding my studio of anything and everything that no longer fits the (creative) life I want to be living. No matter how much I used to love it, or how long I’ve had it. Books, works of art, clothes, art supplies, fabric, (most of) my rock collection, miscellaneous.

I want my life to be smaller, much smaller. That way, I can concentrate my energies on the things that truly matter to me.

I’m paying careful attention to things I feel guilty about, things that make me feel like I’m transgressing against ideals I held for my own behavior.

I keep being surprised and discomfited at how many layers of guilt and self-loathing and internalized voices expressing disappointment in how I’ve turned out there are in my bodymind. Especially over things that my parents or other authority figures would not have had opinions about, so just where is the judgment coming from? I think it’s an earlier version of me, who had some pretty rigid ideas about “what’s allowed for Good, Moral, Right-Thinking People”. I never could meet those standards, which I either handwaved, ignored, or ran aground with still more self-loathing.

Anything that suggests ‘elegant’ or ‘impressive’ means I’m heading in the wrong direction entirely. Letting go of ‘standards’ altogether.

Saying No to things I try that don’t please me. Who am I now?

 

12/15

Breakfast of cupcakes and coffee before running 2 errands for Spouse.

Winter white woolly dress from the former Yugoslavia that was so incredibly itchy that I could never wear it, much-beloved rose-patterned Ellen Tracy sweater, and another 3 bags of clothes… donated. Rediscovered some clothes hidden away that I can’t wait to wear.

Bag of books, and handful of music CDs…donated.

Decided to minimize time online until end of the year.

Bailed on 2 videos from library; did watch 2 more (as well as 3 sections of 9 on Disc 2 about documentary filmmakers).

Hilarious story from the public library this afternoon… recounted to Spouse with full flair. (He laughed. :))

Thinking, thinking, thinking about movies and visual arts and storytelling. About icons of style, and true originals. About re-inventing oneself.

I kind of miss poetry. But… that well dried up completely. Now I’m thinking about whales, and crabs, and music made by animals.

I haven’t read any books for 400 hours.

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