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what do I fear?

December 10, 2015

I’ve kept close watch on my social behavior all my life, for fear that I’m “behaving like an asshole”. I have wanted to avoid that, at all costs.

I’m going through another big transition, as happens periodically, and just today I thought… “what is it about ‘acting like an asshole’ that is so fearsome and horrible? Why do I get so angry about people whom I see as acting like assholes? What does that have to do with me?”

That is, if I’m super defensive about it — and I definitely am — then there is some part(s) of me that want to act that way. And I’m suppressing them.

Which parts are they?

= = =

What behaviors strike me as “assholish”?

= = =

Asserting exactly what you think, boldly and uncompromisingly, even though (it is obvious by their reactions) no one else agrees with you.

Um.

Hmmm.

I do this all the time. Because I have to.

I mean, 98% of the time*, no one agrees with me; that’s just “normal”.

Does that mean I feel like I’m not allowed to… hmm, notice my own reality?

*it’s not quite that “98% of the time [that I say things], no one agrees with me”. It’s more like, “if I ever told people what I actually thought & felt, I would become Even More Totally Unacceptable as a person [even though I feel like a pariah almost all of the time].”

= = =

I’m clearly not going to figure this conundrum out today.

But I have to notice that it exists before I can explore it.

= = =

How is “asserting my SELF, boldly and uncompromisingly” = “behaving like an asshole”?

I shouldn’t do it. I need to hedge, I need to apologize [for existing], I need to back out of asking for accommodations.

I don’t deserve… anything.

I shouldn’t need… anything.

I’m not allowed.

I’m not a person in my own right. I’m… help for other people to survive their lives. I’m not real. I’m not alive. I’m nothing. I’m a thing.

I can’t be allowed to have needs of my own. That would be a distraction from what really matters, which is 1) my mother, 2) my family of origin, 3) the rest of the (human) world.

I can’t be allowed to have feelings. That’s CRAZY.

“You’re crazy!” “Nobody likes you anyway!” “You’re lucky [out of the goodness of my heart] I’m not going to sell you to the gypsies!” “You’re worthless!”

“Why don’t you just SHUT UP? Nobody wants to hear from you, about anything! Why can’t you understand that? Are you stupid?”

“Hah, you think you’re ‘so smart’! Well, nobody likes you. And we think you’re stupid. So what about that, huh?”

“Oh, you think you have ‘human rights’? That’s so cute. You’re a kid, so you don’t have any rights, unless your parents allow them. And we don’t like you. You need to convince us that we should ‘let’ you live with us. Nope, not convinced. Try harder. Not so smart now, are ya? Loser.”

“What the hell good is a ‘high IQ’? Shut up, I’m talking. NOBODY LIKES YOU.”

“Maybe you should try to be someone else. Then, maybe, somebody would like you. Maybe. (Maybe not.)”

“Why are you so mean and selfish?”

“Why are you so thoughtless? Don’t you know how much you hurt your own mother’s feelings? Don’t you care? What kind of person doesn’t care about their own mother?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You’re not like my side of the family. We don’t know who you take after.”

= = =

I guess it’s not fear at all. It’s memory.

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