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2 Dreams: 10.17.15

October 18, 2015

Wanted to write about both of these yesterday, but we had a thing to go to. Now that I’m looking at my notes, I don’t want to write about the first one — it feels too raw. Which probably means I definitely need to write about it. Ugh.

#1.

I’m in my dwelling place, and a friend is keeping me company. Michael is an Irish Catholic priest, only a few years older than me, who somehow knew my family of origin (?). He’s also “working undercover” at… something.

My house in the dream has false floors, and recesses in walls; there are nooks and crannies (to hide things in) that I do not expect “the feds” to be able to discover. My issue in hiding my stuff is solely about not having sufficient time, both to hide things, and then to compose myself to seem “normal” before their arrival. Oh, I’m also worried they might torture me to extract information from me.

I keep breaking down in tears, sobbing to Michael how fortunate it is that Uncle Joe and my father can’t know “what a failure and a disappointment I am” (now that Uncle Joe is dead, and my father has had a stroke which affected his memory).

I keep getting distracted as I work, thinking there’s a really major item that I’ve forgotten about. Where could it be? Why can’t I recall what it is? Do I have enough time to get everything sorted?

 

#2.

I’m in college, taking a World History exam. My teacher is Mr. Szorc. We have 2 hours to answer 83 short essay questions (!). I begin, feeling fairly confident, until I look at the clock and realize… I’m never going to finish. I’m shocked to notice that a bunch of my classmates have already finished, and left the room.

The faster I try to think and process and write, the more my brain s-l-o-w-s d-o-w-n. It’s infuriating.

When I realize there’s no point in even reading all the questions — some of which might be a lot more interesting to me than the initial few I began with — I resign myself to answer one last question. It’s #41, and I realize with a shock that, even though the subject matter is very odd for World History, I know the answer!

(I don’t remember the phrasing of the question itself, but) The answer is that Billy Donovan, coach of Florida’s NCAA Men’s Basketball team, had worked with Rick Pitino when he was coaching UK’s Men’s Basketball team.

I turn in the test on a high note. (Even though I will likely fail, since I answered only ½ of the questions.)

+++

 

NOTES:

#1.

Active secrets: Hiding/hidden/undercover {Pro-actively protecting myself}

A friend is keeping me company {Comfort}

Harsh judgment by others {Anguish}

Have I overlooked something? {Anxiety, Fear}

3 individual male authority figures, all Irish Catholic, all patriarchs {Fear of erasure of complexity, nuances, unorthodox choices}

“the feds” and possibility of torture {Fears: authority figures rarely benign to me; pain; betrayal of self}

All the fears seem entirely legitimate, and yet, I sense they are serving as a distraction from a larger, underlying issue. Which is…

I’m not ready to “go public” with the stuff I’m working on. It’s still pieces (that can be hidden individually), rather than a congruent whole — which would not need to hide.

I’m on the right track. But I have to hold fast even when the consequences seem terrifying.

 

#2.

Mr. Szorc as a teacher … I can’t figure out their reasoning, but my unconscious mind is saying he signifies Chaotic Good.

World History as the subject matter … complexity. The World. My own history? Entanglement.

83 is a prime number. Mr. Szorc taught me in 1983 (Physics, though). Nothing was fixed yet. I had ideas about my future, but all was still open to … possibility.

Synchronicity. (Wait, what?)

41 is a prime number. It’s almost exactly ½ of 83.

I was 41 in 2007-08. I had left IDEM for “something more creative”, which (eventually) landed me at Artifacts, where I worked for almost a year.

We thought we’d be moving to Buffalo, but we ended up in Baltimore.

Not a return to a Great Lake, but a fresh start near an estuary.

NCAA Men’s Basketball … I’ve been a dedicated fan since… 1983? Bodies moving through space. Balance (Proprioception). Knowledge base built up over a long time.

Billy Donovan and Rick Pitino. Complicated intertwined relationships. Collegiality.

Because I love/d Long John Slough, Lake Michigan, the DuPage River, Chippewa Bay, the Pacific Ocean, I could be trusted to love Chesapeake Bay. Which I actually met in 1981 (while visiting KB, my bff back then).

I’m not on the same timeline or schedule as everyone else. Long-term, medium-term, and short-term. Glacial speed is my normal, but I’m thorough. I make connections others miss. All my interests are aware of each other, can be friendly & curious. Colleagues, if you will.

Kentucky itself. I married a native Kentuckian (who attended UK). I have been along the shores of the Ohio River, where I could see KY, IN, and IL. Meta-biogeography. (Psychogeography too?)

I don’t care about my grade; I care about my experience.

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