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birthday blues

July 30, 2015

I’m an early Leo, so this is my birthday season. Despite my advanced age (late 40s), I always make a big deal about my birthday, even if no one else remembers it.

I often plan a day trip to someplace cool. I treat myself to good food, and maybe a trinket or two. I try to find a delicious dessert.

Not necessarily on the actual birthday, but I try to pick a day within my birthday week. However, if I’ll be travelling in August, I’ll often do it then. Travel and my birthday are a great combination: 18 began in Iceland and ended in Luxembourg City; 40 was in Vermont.

This year, though, I’m in kind of a funk. Nothing I came up with for a day trip seemed fun, or worth the bother. The weather has either been so hot and so humid that I don’t leave the apartment during the day, or it’s been thunderstorms and flash floods… so I don’t leave the apartment because I don’t like driving in the rain.

This week got off to a bad start. Spouse was going to take me out to dinner Monday night, but he was held up late at work, then walked in the door still on a conference call that lasted another 90 minutes. While I’d been waiting for him, I’d had a dripping-with-sweat, emotionally-fraught encounter with a hummingbird outside our neighbor’s door, who seemed to be suffering from heat exhaustion. I made every attempt I could think of to get them sufficient nutrients to revive, and they seemed to; they flew away. Hours later, after dark, I took the recycling out, and found them on the pavement, dead.

The next morning, another hot and muggy day, I gave them the loveliest funeral I could manage. It cast a pall over the day, and really, the week.

+++

After I finished reading my last crop of library books (at 3 a.m., 7/15), I decided to fast from books, probably for a week. Clear my head of other people’s words, sit with my own thoughts. Maybe write some poems (which tends to happen inversely proportional to the number of books I’m reading).

I had an unlikely idea of trying to last through the end of July, but decided that was probably not doable. And yet… I occasionally count the hours it’s been {at the moment, 380}, because counting makes sense of the enormity of it, and is soothing. I believe this may be the longest period in my life that I’ve gone without reading a book.

I’ve written 5 poems. One was an unfinished poem from years ago that I brought closure to; 3 began from found lines. Of those, 2 don’t make much sense (surreal), but the third unexpectedly diverged into saying deeply-felt things about a family member I regret I never got close with, and a family secret. And the fifth was about the hummingbird.

+++

I have a new pile of library books waiting to be read, but I can definitely postpone doing that for merely another 25 hours. At least.

+++

I had all sorts of mixed feelings about the AROHO Retreat, even before I knew whether I’d been accepted for 2015 or not. Then I wasn’t accepted, but wait-listed. By the time they notified me that a spot had opened up, I no longer thought going was a good idea for me, this year anyway. So I turned it down. It was the right decision, I feel good about it, I don’t regret doing so.

But… I follow AROHO and some of the women I met in 2013 on Twitter, and they’re starting to talk there about being excited for the retreat, and I… feel sad.

+++

Big changes in my psyche are happening below the surface, but on and near the surface, I just feel out of sorts, and sad, and blah, and unmoored. What do I try next? Who am I trying to be? Where is my life going? When is something that I try going to work?

+++

Last year’s birthday number had lots of factors; it felt like it should be “juicy”, and it was. It was often playful, and fun, and joyful. I felt like my old self again, for the first time in a while.

This year… feels like Door(s). The motifs are back to those I’ve spent a lot of time with; motifs that are, in a certain odd sense, ‘comfortable’ despite being unsettling and even disturbing ~ uncertainty, possibilities, looking at my past head-on (and not trying to sugarcoat anything), facing spiritual/metaphysical challenges that kind of terrify me. Trying to find what I left behind, what I forgot had ever been me.

And, of course, reinventing myself, for the 743,988,752th time.

+++

Still hoping I can find a delicious birthday-worthy dessert down the line.

I ordered some used books and a couple of music CDs for birthday gifts to myself: one of each have arrived. One book became unavailable, so I replaced it with a DVD of the Temple Grandin movie. Maybe it’ll come tomorrow.

+++

I don’t really know what to wish for.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. thefeatheredsleep permalink
    August 7, 2015 16:31

    Advanced age??? No! Xxx

    • August 7, 2015 22:24

      Many of my Twitter-friends are younger, even much younger, than I. Also, I don’t know any adults that enjoy celebrating their own birthdays.

      • thefeatheredsleep permalink
        August 8, 2015 10:28

        Fair enough. Happy Birthday nonetheless xx

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