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bemused by boundaries, part 1

May 5, 2015

On Twitter a week or so ago, I explained how it’s really important for me to not act like an asshole, so if I “had a problem” with someone I knew from Twitter that I knew also read my blog, I would either take it up with them directly, or just write about it in my journal (and not post anything to a blog).

That statement came about as a result of someone I knew from Twitter thinking a blog post was about people they knew when it wasn’t. (And yet, because I have no way of knowing if the person it was about reads my blog, I don’t want to “name names”.)

= = =

I don’t really have “friend groups”, because I tend to be friends with only a few individuals at a time, nowhere near a representative sample of all the individuals in any group, but… I’m a Kuiper Belt (outer outer outer circle) ‘member’ of several groups at any one time, and almost none of them overlap at all.

I infinitely prefer my groups not to overlap almost-at-all: when I’m at the fringes of any particular group, the “group dynamics” are as manageable for me as they’re ever going to be. When separate groups mingle, though, the complexity of “group dynamics” skyrockets, and… things that are Bad for Mea happen.

= = =

Something has come up that is not “an issue with Person X” so much as it’s… a blindspot I didn’t know I had, and I want to think through it, here.

I don’t know if Person X reads my blog. I don’t think they do. Even if they do, though… my blog is a way for me to think through things. Why would someone (potentially) reading it trump my own purpose in writing the blog in the first place?

I mean, I write stuff out here, so that I can later write letters or emails (or, rarely, have face-to-face conversations) that are clearly thought out, rather than tangled snarls that => ugly arguments.

Also, I’ve written in my journal about this, 3x already, but it hasn’t helped me at all figure out how to proceed.

I’m not even sure of what the actual-things-that-bother-me-about-this are.


All the high quality interpersonal interactions I had at AROHO in 2013 seem to have (finally) pushed me over a threshold so that, going forward, I now have sufficient data points to… draw meaningful conclusions about how my social interactions are proceeding. Sometimes I can even tell in real time — but what I can usually tell is that things are foundering. Trying to figure out a new strategy on the fly when I already know I’m in trouble… definitely not my best skill-set.

It’s much harder for me to tell when things are going well… because (up until AROHO) I hadn’t experienced that a sufficient number of times to have enough data points to work with.

I still think that I have to meet 500–1000 people before I find 1 person that I might be able to be (good / deep) friends with.

However, I’m personally going to like at least 50–200 of those people. And I’m going to try to get to know them better, to see if we’re compatible. And then… we aren’t going to be, 98+% of the time.

It’s really discouraging for me.

And there have definitely been times that the other people involved thought we were sufficiently compatible for whatever they were looking for, but I wasn’t happy with what we negotiated between us. (Which can take me quite a long while to figure out, though, due to that historical lack of data points.)

Once I do figure it out, though, what options are open to me?

If we’re already some measure of friends, breaking up.

In this particular case, though, we’re not friends yet.

In past situations like this, I’ve ungracefully burnt bridges in my haste to “escape” overwhelming discomfort.

I’d prefer not to do that here.

= = =

It is good news that my Boundaries are now, clearly, doing a great job letting me know what works for me, and what doesn’t, even very early in the process.

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