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adventures in gender-ing

April 12, 2015

Saturday, went with Spouse on a day trip: he taught a photography class for 6 hours; I walked around downtown Frederick, then browsed the library at the Delaplaine Visual Arts Center.

Friday night, I’d felt my inner boy ‘come up’, and dedicated all day Saturday to ‘being a boy’. I woke up Saturday morning to a euphoric chorus in my mind: “I’m a boy! I’m a boy! I’m a boy!”

I couldn’t sustain it the entire day, as it was cognitively draining in ways I hadn’t anticipated, but the flashes where I was consciously embodying it were. . . delicious.

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I made no attempt to “pass” for male, any more than I do every day: half my clothes are men’s. Didn’t do anything different with my hair; wore a unisex necklace.

Everyone who spoke to me “read me” (or at least addressed me) as if I was a cis woman.

But… that made no difference whatsoever to how I felt inside. And my inner voices were totally different than usual. A lot more swearing.

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Didn’t realize before just how much of a disconnect there can be between my conscious mind’s “normal script” and what I’m actually feeling in my bodymind, especially on a day that involves no social stress whatsoever complicating things.

For instance, why would what other people read me as have anything to do with how my bodymind feels? I mean, it doesn’t. And yet the observer part of my mind was… kind of surprised by that.

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Maybe it’s just the different focus of Generations X and Y as parents (vs. how things were when I was a kid) but… all the illustrations I saw that featured people showed… groups of people. And of course, all the music you are forced to listen to is about love, or loss, or whatever, but it tends to be relentlessly social.

I had lunch at a restaurant. I was the only solitary person there.

I really truly enjoy being solitary: I can take in so much more of my environment, what I’m doing & feeling, what other people are doing, the trees, the flowers, the clouds in the sky.

Doing things with other people (unless it’s Spouse) is super-taxing cognitively. My enjoyment of what my bodymind is experiencing drops precipitously because I don’t have the bandwidth to spare for noticing it.

That’s not to say that it can’t be fun to do things with other people, because it certainly can. But it’s probably better for my enjoyment if the thing we’re doing is not something I really want to immerse myself in. Because I definitely cannot do both.

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Loved being in the rock shop, especially knowing I was a boy inside. (I would’ve gone into the rock shop anyway — I love rocks, and have had a rock collection since I was a kid.) I stopped myself from mentioning to the owner (impulsively) that I think I was a rock in another life. Or that I feel like rocks are my ancestors. Being a rock shop is especially heady thinking of it like that — being surrounded by “my own kind” for once.

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Got more, different (than last time) antique wooden bobbins that had been used for silk threads, at my favorite antique store. Also, this time, bought 2 antique hand-thrown flower pots: 1 for the potager, 1 for my car (in case I find dirt I want to take home).

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Upon getting home, napped for 3 hours. Then, as Spouse went to bed, went for a long “midnight walk”, all over the neighborhood.

A bunch of things have settled into new configurations in my bodymind. Improvements. Clarity about who I am now, and what I want, and why that’s good. Honesty with myself about how truly terrible some of my past decisions have been — but I also learned a shit-ton from those mistakes. Frankly, not sure I could have learned as much as I needed to learn without lots of disasters.

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Normally in Frederick I spend some time on a “coffee date” with myself, writing, but I couldn’t waste boy energy on that!

But I do have to do another coffee date soon. Maybe Monday.

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The utter deliciousness of Being a Boy during Aries… I’m going to have to do this again and again. Loving it.

The best idea I’ve had in a while.

{Although I’ve noticed I’ve started having Best Ideas I’ve Ever Had a lot more frequently lately… Must be doing stuff right!}

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