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revisiting Dream of 3.12.15

March 14, 2015

My viewpoint character not only engaged with whatever social situation she was embroiled in, but in her own mind, she was constantly updating what she knew, figuring out how that impacted larger contexts. She didn’t rely on either outside authorities (the museum curators, the movie audience) or what other characters told her — she kept trying to figure stuff out relevant to her own interests/salience.

{If she’s an analog to my conscious self, the above is a process improvement. It’s definitely my aim to do the above, but historically, I’ve often gotten caught up in shame spirals, and derailed my own progress.}

My viewpoint character stayed aligned towards/allied with only those characters who were actively working to improve their own situations, while not trying to harm anyone else.

If the wife-character did “become a tigress in bed”, it’d be wasted on her lump of a husband.

But, in my dreams, sex is symbolic for Art/Creativity. So I think that scene was more about her waking up to her own (creative) power. Naturally, she’d think to first share it with her partner, but I predict, she’d grow out of trying to share something that he doesn’t have, and doesn’t value. I can easily see parts of myself in the wife.

I can even see parts of myself in the imposing mistress — presumably she’s those parts of me “managing” everyone else “for their own good”. Analogous to Mrs. Nocerino and her ilk.

But who is analogous to the bored lump of a husband?

And the interchangeable/undifferentiated children, who somehow are key to perpetuating the dysfunctions, through the generations… They’re in the thrall of the mistress/housekeeper, who is malignant when she’s paying attention, likely neglectful the rest of the time. The father is oblivious to them. And the mother is trying to keep the whole shebang going, so even if/when she means to do well by them, she likely doesn’t have the bandwidth to spare. Which means that… no one is modeling how to become an effective force for good in the world.

A creative drive, alas, is not sufficient to become effective in the world as a moral agent. And certainly not if everyone else you know is thwarting you and your (human social) time-and-place disadvantages you as well.

= + +

How did I change history? Was it just that I stopped “Alice” from getting sucked into becoming the modern housekeeper/mistress? Or did I change something earlier? If so, what?

Did I add awareness that other ways of being were possible?

= = +

On the boat with the guy harassing me… I refuted him. And then I drove him away.

I didn’t argue, or remonstrate — I refuted.

In waking life, when being bullied, not only have I froze up because of trauma stuff, but… part of me has traditionally wanted to appeal to bystanders to intervene, if only by imposing social sanctions like shame. That never actually happens because the bully always has more social capital/is better liked than I am. But refuting… changes the game entirely. It doesn’t depend on anyone else backing me up. No one else is asked to weigh in on my moral character, and whether I “deserve” to be “rescued”, any of that.

I took care of myself, by myself.

That’s… huge.

+ = =


So, in the first part, my viewpoint character interacted with all other characters, and was accepted by whoever I was with (in a time period when binary gendered people were mostly kept to separate spheres) despite being of ambiguous gender myself.

I changed history, somehow.

Well, wait. Just being “of ambiguous gender” would change history. Wouldn’t it? It upends the whole social structure because people like me aren’t supposed to exist. So if we do exist, what else isn’t true? Where could other loopholes be hiding? What is possible?


I’m learning, faster, how to get better outcomes.


In the second part (on the boat), I’m also of ambiguous gender, and I actively defend my own boundaries.


I get closer to water/the marsh when I’m following my own lead (?), when I know what I need and want(?).

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