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attraction and interest

March 6, 2015

I had pleasurable email exchanges with three different people (who don’t know each other) today, so when Spouse and I went to dinner tonight, I had a lot to talk about. No matter what topic came up, I felt buoyant from the (unprecedented) social engagement, in the way that I prefer (friends and friendly acquaintances who are only connected to me, but not to each other).

I surprised myself by mentioning something I never expected to tell someone. I didn’t know Spouse when he was a teenager, and he didn’t date because he was too shy to ask anyone out, but I’ve always been convinced that there was at least one shy girl in some of his classes, or the youth group, that liked him, and hoped he would notice her and ask her out. And for years and years, ever since I was in high school myself, I somehow thought there was some guy who liked me, or had a crush on me, too. Spouse was good-looking in an unconventional way (I’ve seen photos) and interesting and funny (from what I’ve heard) when he was younger, and so was I.

But lately, I’ve been realizing that… I bet there never was some guy that had a crush on teenaged me. Or young adult me, or me at any age.

Spouse being a smart, quirky guy… it’s a trope, it’s an archetype, it’s, dare I say it, normal. But gender changes things — I don’t get the benefit of the doubt of “quirky”; I get “weirdo”.

I did say to Spouse, “you were/are cool, and I was/am cool, but… you’re not amazingly cooler than I am. Somebody should have a crush on me, or fall in love with me, or whatever. But they don’t. They just don’t.”

It’s not just about sexual/romantic attraction. For as many people as I’ve met, in person or online, that I’ve thought were really groovy, some reasonable proportion should have reciprocated. But they (mostly) haven’t.

I’m still feeling residually sad about AROHO, even though it was my choice, and it was the right decision. I re-read my notebooks from 2013 a few months ago, and I was such a fish out of water at practically every interaction; I’d forgotten about most of them.

As much as I write about social rejection, it probably seems like I’d have crushing social anxiety, but actually I usually don’t have any. If someone seems interesting, I’ll go talk to them just to find out if I was right. I’ll probably say something complimentary, too, because that’s fun, especially if I can think of something unusual.

Oh, just remembered, Spouse totally cracked me up with saying I should get a t-shirt made with two phrases I’d been using. Maybe I will.

I thank all the gods that Spouse loves me and thinks I’m amazing.

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