March: questions for my quest
My head hurts so much. I want to take aspirin, but I know from extensive past experience that it’s not enough to just take aspirin. I have to lie down in a dark room, and clear all thoughts from my head, breathing deeply, and only then . . . is there a 25% chance that maybe the aspirin will work.
But I actually have Things that are insisting they need to be written today, which precludes doing any of the above, so here I am.
Maybe these Things somehow require an electrical storm in my head, as, if I didn’t have it, some of the things I’ve been thinking about… would sound… crazy. I would have to fight my selves so hard to write any of this stuff down, and maybe I’d lose that fight.
I have desperately wanted a Mentor for so long now. And there isn’t going to be one. Books about a variety of subjects help, a little, but they don’t allow me to ask questions of a person. They can’t reassure me that I’m not crazy or misguided or just an unlovable freak with delusions of grandeur.
There’s actually nothing “grand” about any of it, It’s just that the only words I know that sort of, kind of, relate to Stuff, sound to other people like I’m claiming that I’m Better Than Everyone Else, when that’s not the point at all. At all.
I have a Thing to do in this world, and I’m trying to figure out how to talk about it and think about it, but none of the words I know are the right words.
Maybe if I could tell a story about it, but… I can’t tell stories. I’ve read so many thousands of stories in my life, I should be able to tell my own. But I can’t. I don’t understand how stories work. I don’t think in stories. Stuff happens, but it’s not stories.
Probably why I’m a poet, but not a fiction writer.
I guess I’d have sucked as a bard.
If I’m a poet but not a storyteller, what am I?
If I’m a mystic who keeps dreaming about the word “shaman”, but I don’t want to help human beings do … anything I can think of, what am I?
If I feel things as I walk sideways and backwards and forward in time, but I don’t know how to capture my experiences so someone else can perceive them, what am I?
Is there an honorable, respectable name for any of this?
I’ve tried visionary, Pagan, child of earth, green witch, earth witch, fire mage, water witch, landwight, mystic, “shaman-y”, “wasp witch”. None of these are right; all require lots of explanation that… I don’t have myself.
I can’t do magic. I don’t know what it is I’m “doing”. It’s not something I can make happen, or precipitate. I can’t schedule it. There are no gods involved (which is a short answer to why I’m not a Pagan anymore).
I don’t know anything.
What am I? What am I doing? What am I trying to do? Is there a wrong way to do it? How can I know when I’m doing it right? Who am I doing it for?
I’m trying to answer the call, whatever it is. How do I proceed?