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2 Dreams, 2 days: 2.25 & 3.1.15

March 1, 2015

#1.

In the dream, somehow met up again with dream-Tony. To him, I implied I was great friends with his brother, dream-Adam, even though dream-me had actually had a bad falling out with dream-Adam sometime back.

Tony and I began dating (?); fooling around certainly. It was fun.

As time went on, I told him various things I’d either been reticent about, or somewhat deceptive about. He was okay with most of them.

I met his 2 kids. I was glad he’d had kids with someone, since I can’t have kids.

Some long complicated situation unfolded with Adam that it turned out Tony had engineered to see if Adam would remember me. Nothing I did or did not do rang any bells for Adam. Then I fainted at his feet, and that did the trick.

Later, Adam banished me to the basement, with only my pen and paper and pillows. I went, quietly and resentfully. Hoping Tony would follow, but he didn’t.

+++

#2.

Dream-Tony, dream-Adam, and dream-me are all middle-aged adults. {Usually in dreams with these 2, we’re all either teenagers, or young adults.} Stuff happens with all 3 of us that I don’t recall now.

Then, I’m outside with my sister (E) and my youngest brother (N). We’re walking along a low-lying grassy area that gets closer and closer to a waterbody. Without meaning to enter the water, we step and our shoes submerge into water we couldn’t see was there. Not like a marsh; the water was there, above the grass, but it was so clear we couldn’t see it. Dream-brother is wearing furry boots, which he says are the wrong kind for this. I’m wearing my brown leather walking shoes that are not only not waterproof, but have breathing holes. So my feet must be soaked, but I don’t feel the water. We keep walking, and it’s actually pretty cool an experience.

Off in the distance, I see 3 extraordinary animals, chasing a man. One is a kind of cattle-bull that I haven’t seen before: white, very large, with a few faint brown stripes. It’s male. (I don’t think it has horns.) The second one is a bobcat, with no gender. The third one I can’t recall what type of animal, but it also is ungendered.

We’re in a building. My sister has a new bedroom, which is a hallway. All the walls are plain white. No furniture has been moved in. There’s just a paper on one wall with some words about how she’ll decorate it: the only word I remember is “shaman”.

At some point in the dream, Tony and Adam both tell me, “we’re all grown up now. The ‘nonsense’ with you was never very important, but anyway, that’s all long behind us. We’re adults now. We’re parents. We’ve moved on.”

Later, I’m telling my sister about those conversations. She says, “That’s nonsense! How about when their father was dying? You were over there every day, encouraging everyone to keep hopeful. Don’t they remember how important you were to everyone’s morale? And then their father recovered — you were part of that!”

As she’s talking, I do remember. And she’s right!

Later, I’m out walking again, with my siblings (although we are spread out). As I walk, with every fiber of my being, I call out in my mind, “TONY! TONY! TONY!” Willing him to hear me, come looking for me, find me.

+++

As usual, my relationships with the real Tony and the real Adam enormously complicate(d) my feelings about dream characters that look like them. And I’ve been dreaming about characters that look like them for at least 30 years.

Last time I had information on the 2 real people (2000), Tony was married, with kids; Adam was single with no kids.

I don’t know why they’re (almost) always together in my dreams, as I rarely saw them together in waking life. Tony’s my age; Adam’s a year older. They had different friends and totally separate social positions. I liked Adam’s friends better than I liked Adam (but it took me years and years to figure that out. Adam himself was mean. Good-looking, but mean); I didn’t like Tony’s friends at all.

Now that I think about it, I never ever dream about their friends. Just the two of them, always together, always bedeviling me.

Tony represents the parts of me I love best, but are only attractive to others in others. He’s smart and funny and has an endearingly idiosyncratic way of seeing the world, including odd enthusiasms. You can’t help but love him, and I did. (And, to my teenage self, teenage Tony was gorgeous, but he clearly didn’t think he was.) He was me, if I was a guy. Except that… he actually had (granted, jerk) friends, and a decent social position, and he always had a girlfriend. And his parents loved him. And they were rich. So none of that was anything like me.

Adam was me, too. Well, parts of me. Adam was brilliant and good-looking (in a different way), and I somehow thought he must have a good sense of humor and be a decent person because his friends were kind and playful and funny. But, oh gods, he was mean. Vicious, even. So, he was actually a lot like JM, if JM had been the older one of us. With both Adam and JM, I assumed they brooded and were mean because they were sensitive underneath, with hearts of gold. You know, like me. Instead, I think they were just hateful assholes. (Which is not like me.) Gorgeous, though, and I’ve never been that either.

I don’t want to identify with either Tony or Adam. The real Tony found a way to searingly humiliate me in front of the entire sophomore class. The worst part is that I don’t think he meant to; he was just really flabbergasted by something I did. But the real Adam, 2 years later, did intend to make my first date, which was our first date, the Worst Date Experience Ever. His friends, who were there, felt sorry for me, but he wouldn’t stop being an asshole because Reasons. I felt invisible, and then I felt like maybe I didn’t exist at all.

And my real sister, who was part of our double-date, made everything even worse afterwards, when she said if I’d just been nicer to him, he might have kissed me at the end. As if getting a first kiss from someone who clearly hates you makes the Worst Date Experience Ever somehow worthwhile.

So I have such. mixed. feelings. about continuing to dream about aspects of me that look like Tony and Adam, year after year after year.

I have … just run out of spoons for this.

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