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agony is a symptom, but of what?

January 19, 2015

What if feeling like I’m not worth anybody’s time, is really about how I treat myself? What if feeling like I’m “not worth” making a fuss over, comes from me not making a fuss over me, rather than others not doing so?

There have actually been several things I could have been doing in the last few weeks, that I knew would feel good, and yet I kept postponing them. For no good reason really; it just wasn’t convenient. I couldn’t be bothered.

Why is it a bother?

Why is it easier to do things I don’t care about? Or even things that I dread doing? But when there are things that I want to do, that will definitely improve my life, I somehow “keep forgetting” to do them?

Who benefits?

Well, whichever personas have been in charge, while I’ve been mired in despair. They get to keep telling everyone else, “see, nothing ever changes, so we might as well stay in charge! We know how to handle things!” Nothing to see here, move along.

I’ve actually been feeling better for longer stretches of time, and more often, lately. I bet that’s got them running scared, worried they’re going to lose their stranglehold.

So just now (well, before writing this post, I mean), I sent an email I’d been procrastinating on. I have letters to write. I have an email inquiry to send.

I have things to feel excited about — I need to seek them out, and start doing them.

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