Dream elements (continued): 12.20.14
Warm pink is Amelia [synesthesia]. The other colorways were not combinations I already associate with specific wyxzi, but they were all pleasing.
It must be time for me to branch out with flavor profiles to experience / feel. About time!
Awake, I think I’ve been getting caught up in the wrong parts of feeling unattractive / invisible as a nonbinary person.
The cute guy in the other coffee shop that had been flirting with dream-Me is probably also an aspect of me, right? He knows dream-Me is nonbinary, and is attracted to her.
Even if the “nonbinary” motif is a metaphor for something else, this scenario still suggests that the essential part of feeling attractive is liking myself (selves). Some part of me already likes the main character-me, is attracted. But I don’t have a clear mental image of what he looked like, his name, etc. (in the dream). This is probably an aspect I should get to know better because he’s clearly playful, open-minded, and he already likes us as we are now.
Dream-N, supposedly “getting all the cute guys” probably shares a lot of traits with dream-hottie.
Again, the time of dream-E and dream-D “running the show” is coming to an end. They don’t even know what happened, what changed.
Do I know?
I think contempt as a tool of control . . . no longer works.
Dream-Me in sections (d), (e), and (g) was unfazed by dream-E’s attempts to make me feel bad about myself, for doing the kinds of things I do . . . follow my curiosity, explore my environment, wear “odd” but joyful & colorful clothes, hop & skip, have a rich inner life, discover new places and people, make friends.
During my last session with P, when I was telling her what I’d gained from our time together, I struggled with how to describe the new relationship I have with my emotions — not regulating, not managing. Finally I came up with, my emotions and I are congruent now. They used to overwhelm me, even good ones; I’d get dragged along for a ride, hanging on for dear life. Now, we’re in sync.
So maybe dream-E and dream-D represent dragging the rest of me along, willy-nilly? Consent not on the table.
But as I’m developing respectful, curious, and interested relationships with my aspects, emotions, moods, wyxzis, etc. (especially those who are shy, or have been out of the limelight for years and years), my dream-siblings can no longer get anyone to go along with their disrespect and mistreatment. Their approach has been eclipsed.
Wait a minute. “Eclipsed” evokes that crazy dream [10.27.14] with Patrick Duffy and angel-Victoria Principal, where the sun “went black”, extinguished, and then a different light took the sun’s place in the sky.
At the time I had the dream, P was convinced it was about the looming ending of our association. I was less sure. Although I was pretty certain that the ominous portents were trying to scare me into thinking Some Big Upcoming Change was Going to Be the End of the World! when instead the high level of uncertainty involved just meant that . . . I didn’t know what to expect might could happen.
What if it was foretelling a change of regime? Governing worldview even.
As we can see from the news every day, whenever status quo toppers fear losing an iota of power, status, prestige, they foretell doom and destruction raining down from all directions. They know that’s not going to happen, at least not in the ways they pretend they fear. But they think us little people are too dumb to know the difference.
It’s not dumb-ness that was my problem all the years those scare tactics worked on me. It was my unresolved traumas getting triggered over and over, and my shitty coping skills making everything worse.
I’ve been regaining my resilience [angel-VP finds her own flashlight, and packs it unobtrusively] [Ugg boots in warm pink; changing colorways; fluffy shoes in hot pink and orange ~ “power” colors for me], lost in adolescence.
I don’t even push pain away anymore. I sit with it, breathe into it. If I have to have a migraine, what sorts of thoughts occur to me then, that I haven’t thought before? What rabbit holes can I follow them down? GI problems, or a low-energy day, same approach: What can I learn?
There’s always something I didn’t know before. I appreciate these opportunities to learn.
Respect. Consent. Curiosity. Genuine interest. Adapting to or experimenting with new understandings.
Is it any wonder contempt and control have fallen out of favor?
Delight and deliciousness fizz and swirl. Let’s dance!