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3 Dreams: 12.19.14

December 19, 2014

{Today would’ve been the 58th birthday of my first boyfriend, JTS, if he hadn’t died 14.5 years ago.}

#1a.

All I remember is LB putting JTS’s hat somewhere that I could find it. There was also some item of mine she put out similarly.

[[Separated this way because I dreamed the first part, 2 unrelated dreams, and then the second part.]]

#1b.

LB told me the hotel room JTS was living in had been broken into. She thought the theft was something he “did” to himself, to somehow reinvigorate a fading romance. I replied, “Hmmm, that’s funny. Um, when he and I were dating, 30 years ago, he had a break-in too! I wonder if he staged both of them?!?”

Dream-me: “How often do you ever have your home get broken into? It’s never happened to me, or anyone I know. How could it, by chance, happen twice??!?”

Then we both laughed at the absurdity.

+++

 

#2.

Something I don’t remember that featured RC [person I know from Twitter].

+++

 

#3.

KB and I took a trip together to Australia. As the dream began, she and I were in a vehicle I thought of as a ‘hovercraft’, but was more like a sort of glider, and we were soaring over a waterfall, high up in the mountains. Down below us, on the rocks, we saw Australian animals.

That experience was a blast! The whole trip was really great!

{The experience of soaring over the waterfall turned out to have been me watching a 3-d video of the flight.}

But, KB broke up with me/ended our friendship shortly thereafter.

In the dream, as I thought again about this wonderful trip we’d taken, I wondered if she had looked me up, reconnected, and asked me to go on this trip because she knew she wanted to never see me again. That idea got me reevaluating the entire trip in a whole new way.

+++

 

NOTES:

#1.

LB, my best friend in high school, never met JTS. When I began dating him, LB was off at college; I was living with my parents, not going to college, and working at the bookstore where he and I were coworkers.

I had stars in my eyes because he was so much older than me, but he picked me out special. LB, had she met him, would have seen right through his bullshit in a New York minute. To wit, what on earth makes a worldly and jaded 29 year old man want to date a naïve 19 year old woman? Nothing good.

He assumed, because he was 10 years older, and had graduated from Georgetown, that those things made him smarter than me. It took me longer than it should have to figure out that he thought that; I was used to strangers easily recognizing how smart I am. I guess he thought with his posh prep school background and rich father, dating middle-class (adorable) tall “dumb” me was somehow doing me a favor.

He was a pretty terrible boyfriend, but it took me years and years of life experience to realize it.

===

Back to my dream. Okay, his home gets broken into, which he uses to garner sympathy from a girlfriend losing interest in him…   Could dream-JTS be analogous to some aspect of me that’s been coasting on passive-aggressive behavior, and relying on periodic infusions of (manufactured) drama to stay relevant? Stay ‘on top’? It’s always worked before!

Except, now that I’m achieving clear vision about dynamics in my life — even when they’re really scary or uncomfortable, I’m facing them, and figuring out how to work with or around them — his old bullshit doesn’t work anymore.

He’s getting displaced.

Change is good.

+++

 

#2.

RC’s been pretty active on my TL in the last few days. She’s part of my main friend-group.

[[I have a friend-group now! Captain Awkward talks about friend-groups like of course everyone has them, but . . . I’ve never actually been part of one before. Generally, I’ve been friends with people who either don’t know each other, or are acquaintances that don’t like each other.]]

She’s more like some of the friends in the group than I am because she’s an immigrant. Like most of the others, she probably speaks three languages.

A bunch of us do share Eastern European heritage: Russian, Ukrainian, Polish, Lithuanian, Hungarian.

Unlike the rest of us, (if her avatar photo is actually herself) she’s gorgeous. She looks a lot younger than me, but I think I’m the oldest in the part of the group I spend the most time with, by at least 10 years.

Something about her bugs me, but I can’t figure out what it is.

I have no idea why she appeared in one of my dreams except that I now dream about people I follow on Twitter fairly regularly.

+++

 

#3.

KB was a best friend before we started high school, and we stayed friends into high school, but she lived far away, and we didn’t know anyone in common.

She was a first-born daughter, like me, but unlike me – she was a total extrovert, popular, lots of extracurricular activities (including Theater) that she thrived in, confident and capable in general, and had parents and siblings who adored her.

If we’d lived closer, if we’d attended the same schools, she would’ve never looked twice at me, never mind been my friend.

The summer I went to visit her, I realized in the daily stuff I was actually a lot more like her middle sister (an introvert, a reader of SFF, dreamy and imaginative). Her middle sister was the same age as my brother, 2 years younger, and I’d had some (limited) success with tagging along with my brother’s friends sometimes, so I tried that a bit with K’s sister, who was decidedly not interested in me, unless we were talking about books.

By the time K and I graduated from high school, I’m sure I barely figured in her life at all. I received one letter from her in college, and then . . . nothing ever again.

===

I realize now that. . . in 1981 when I visited, K was a whole lot of things I thought I wanted to be, aspired to be, should be. [[My parents thought she was great.]] But popularity is a lot of work. Being close to your parents and siblings is even more work.

What I think I actually wanted, that she had, was . . . resources. Except that I would have wanted to use them my own way. Not the way that my parents wanted, or my school friends expected, etc., etc. And . . . at least in my experience, resources available to teenagers don’t actually work that way. That is, you toe the party line, you’re rewarded with resources. [See: my brother] Or, you insist on doing everything your own way, you’re marginalized, ostracized, and worse [See: me].

===

Even though I was a few months older than K, she sort of seemed like my older sister. She seemed to see herself that way, and I had always wanted an older cousin (or someone) to actually be interested in me, so the dynamic worked fairly well. Despite her late birthday, she got to be an authority figure to slightly-older me, and I had someone amazing to hero-worship/bask in the glow of.

===

In the dream, I don’t remember the trip to Australia being enjoyable, I remember thinking it had been good. And the part I recall the best, soaring over the waterfall and seeing the animals far below . . . wasn’t social with K, although she was in the vehicle right next to me. We weren’t conversing; I was having a completely individual experience. Presumably, so was she.

Although I suddenly have this recollection that dream-K was trying to talk to me, but I wasn’t hearing her at all because I was all caught up in my own communion with the place and the critters.

===

If dream-K and dream-Me were not in contact before she looked me up and asked me to take the trip with her . . . why would you do that? Why would you need ‘closure’ to a relationship that ended 30 years ago?

Why would you float over a cliff together? And then break up?

I feel really conflicted about this dream. As I’m remembering it, dream-K wasn’t actually very nice to me, but the dynamic between us was similar to times when she got very impatient with me not being as Extrovertedly Fabulous as she saw herself being.

I think there may have been a bit of . . . contempt . . . in the way dream-K treated me, which I did not consciously recognize as the dream was happening, but my unconscious mind obviously noticed.

I was sure when I started this section that dream-K and dream-Me were aspects of myself at odds, possibly diverging, which seemed like a good and necessary thing.

But now I’m wondering if there’s … [[ugh, I hate to even say it, but]] some connection to P.

Impatience that I want to focus on my own experience, happening in real time, rather than listen to her tell me about something else that no longer seems relevant.

Going over a cliff. Being exhilarated doing so, and at one with everything in my environment. While dream-K keeps talking and talking about something that happened before this ride even started.

Dream-K breaking up with dream-Me, though, doesn’t seem to fit this analysis.

I don’t know.

I’m troubled by all the unsettling flavor notes I feel now. I don’t know how to resolve them.

I will leave them open.

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