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spring thaw, come early

December 11, 2014

On October 17, I initiated a difficult conversation that I’d been dreading, and it went better than I expected. What flabbergasts me at this stage, though, is that . . . we continue to seemingly rehash that conversation (almost) every time we talk. There’s some kind of subtext that I can almost decipher: anxiety about endings? discomfort with the ending not being one’s own idea? something else?

I almost have to wonder if there is some thought that I could make the ending not happen, if only we discuss it even more. Except that I can’t. Hard limits outside of my control set this up, but soft limits reinforce it. Hard: our deductible is high; the finite earmarked money runs out very shortly. Soft: the level of emotional intensity I’ve invested is unsustainable, and I’m on the verge of burnout; miles on my car; money spent on gas; doing something so regularly for so long is also unsustainable because the level of commitment required for this Perceiver is stressful; I want unbroken spans of a week back.

I have never been in a situation before where I know that a relationship is finite and coming to an end soon and the other person also knows, and therefore we are working through mourning over that eventuality in real time together. I’ve tried to be patient with my discomfort, figuring I could learn stuff. I have learned stuff.

We started talking about this issue during session 18; 9 sessions later, we are still talking about it.

I know the fact of the ending has been on my mind because yeah, some of my dreams are pretty clearly about that particular ending. But I think a lot more of my dreams’ motifs of endings might be about other endings:

  • Now that my body is no longer mired in (nearly as many) uncompleted traumas, old ways of doing things that seemed adaptive when I was stagnant no longer fit my life.
  • I can feel personas/aspects shifting and reconfiguring. I’m guessing some are “retiring”, and being replaced by others.
  • I’m departing from the depression I’ve been mired in for 4–6 years.
  • I didn’t achieve the breakthrough in improving (some of) my health issues, and I no longer think “getting back to normal” makes any sense at all. I’m chronically ill.
  • I’ve given up on the last of my relationships with members of my family of origin.
  • I can still ‘pass’ as “a kinda weird woman”, but I no longer want to.
  • Opportunities targeted solely to cis women — especially if they’re heavy on “sisterhood” and the Divine Feminine, where everyone bonds over their “special feminine gifts” — seem unbearably constricting more than liberating.
  • I’ve been re-evaluating my life so far, and figuring out how to proceed with what is still possible.
  • I’m taking a (much needed) break from writing poetry and essays; I’m barely even reading poetry these days.
  • We moved away from the place we’d lived for >6 years.
  • Spouse’s mother is in failing health. Visits back to Kentucky will never again be like they were even 6 months ago.

In short, Dream #2 from 12.6.14 was not about the ending we keep discussing. It just wasn’t.

What other progress might we have made if the focus hadn’t kept circling back to this topic that I’m thoroughly sick of?

Can we move on already?

My dreams are telling me that I am moving on. And I feel good about it.

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