Dream elements: 11.16.14
A Twitter-friend, L (who is nonbinary), came to visit me at my parents’ house where I was staying for a while. L was dismayed to tell me that T (another Twitter-friend, also nonbinary) had decided to “cheer me up” by having a crush on me (?!). I was flattered and pleased.
L didn’t look anything like what I was expecting: she appeared to be a tall, thin youngish man with crewcut hair and acne scars.
L wanted to sleep in my bed with me, but I persuaded her to sleep in the other (twin) bed inexplicably in my room, pointing out that, if my parents looked in, and saw me sleeping with a person they didn’t know (who looked like a man) they would flip out. It would be bad.
(In the dream) My bedroom door had a large window in the top section, so that even if the door were closed, my parents need only walk by the door and look in, to see what I was doing.
I briefly considered introducing L to my parents as a friend who had come to visit, before deciding that was going to be too much trouble. They would want all sorts of questions answered, and those questions would be on topics I would not want to discuss with my parents.
I started to tell L about my parents not allowing us as children to even close our bedroom doors, never mind lock them. But then I stopped.
I kept dropping things.
I was going back and forth, ferrying things from the old place to the new.
Something about Iowa.
Since L was still in my bedroom, and there was a window in the door, if my parents walked by, supposedly they might have seen her. Except that I now recall, the inexplicable other twin bed was in a shadowy part of the room. Therefore L was able to sleep in (one of) my beds, while still being essentially hidden. Seen and unseen, both at once.
I don’t recall actually seeing or interacting with my parents in this dream. They, too, were shadowy unseen presences, but knowing they were somewhere offstage kept me very inhibited. Even in my own room with the door closed.
Why was it L who came to visit, and not T? Why couldn’t I interact directly with the person who had a crush on me? Why was I hearing about it secondhand, from someone who clearly did not approve?
I keep thinking about something P said to me Friday. At first glance, it seems to apply more to my post from this morning (“what do I signify?”), but it insists it belongs with this post.
It was a complicated metaphor, and the more I think about how to describe it, the more I think I might have missed something.
Here’s what I remember (paraphrased): “When you first came to me, you were like a rock, sitting by itself, but yearning to join a group of trees not too far away. Now you’ve transformed into a tree . . . but I see you as a lone tree in a desert landscape.”
I agreed with her that . . . I have not found a social ecosystem where I fit. But this has been true all my life. Historically, I somewhat hid that from myself by magical thinking, by misunderstanding the character of my relationships with various family members and friends, by addictions to all sorts of maladaptive behaviors. So when I used to look around my empty desert, I hallucinated lush profusion and lots of company. Now I know better.
Without knowing I have a problem, I cannot fix it. I cannot work on it. I cannot experiment. I need to face what’s really there, no matter how devastating. And it is, indeed, devastating.
I still don’t understand how this fits with this morning’s dream.