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gifts giving

October 17, 2014

Gifts I’ve given myself:
1. My share of last year’s tax refund has been paying for bodywork psychotherapy. I’m learning how to inhabit my body, and keep breathing, no matter what happens (rather than dissociating, or having a meltdown). I’m rediscovering my own complexity.
2. Time for myself prioritized over other things that need to happen.
3. A smattering of notebooks of all sizes, and pens, in case I get an urge to write. (I often do.)
4. Writing down my dreams. Talking them over, sometimes exhaustively.
5. Fallow time. (Not writing when nothing bubbles up. Trusting that it will when it needs to.)
6. Conceptualizing new ways to do things I’ve done ineffectively. But keeping my ideas light and playful. Focusing on doable and enjoyable.
7. Letting go.
8. Facing my fears.
9. Making friendly overtures, and complimenting people — it feels good!
10. Calmly, reasonably, remarked to Spouse that his reluctance (?) to call me by NewName felt to me like I’d become “hey you”.
11. Birthday celebration doing exactly what I liked.
12. Allowing myself to change my mind. Sometimes repeatedly on particularly-thorny issues.
13. Reached out to someone, on a whim. Made arrangements to meet. Within 2 days, realized I didn’t actually want to go through with it. Withdrew gracefully, without apologies. (Advancing in not burning bridges needlessly.)
14. Staying up late when I need/want to. Even when it’s all night.
15. Disclosing Who I Really Am (not hiding).
16. Acorns in my car for company. (Previous years, it’s been autumn leaves.)
17. Taking “midnight” walks.
18. Embracing odd preferences I didn’t used to have [mustard; Chicago hot dogs]. Figuring out what they illuminate about me that I didn’t know.
19. Taking time. There are things about myself that I do not know, and am not (apparently) ready to know. I can sit with that uncertainty and discomfort, breathe with it. Eventually some things will become clear, but I need to hold off/wait.
20. Biological metaphors: amino acids, proteins, organs, organisms; bottom-up self-organizing; various configurations (usually accompanied by lots of gestures); the mantis shrimp and the ants; the only platypus in Kansas; the duckling that grew up to be a javelina.
21. Colorful. Slowly finding Amelia-friendly garments that are warm enough for autumn and winter. (Hoping to prevent how my dreary-colored cold-weather clothes have tended to contribute to seasonal depression.)
22. “Business cards” that are as colorful as I feel.
23. Notebook for “dreaming extravagantly”.

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