What colors ≈ feeling ready for anything?
I haven’t read a book since 2.28. I’m spending less time on social media: last week I got through 60+ hours off Twitter; this week, I’m already at 47 hours.
I’ve been using the time I’ve freed up to really think about some stuff.
In November 2012, I wrote:
“I think I first need to figure out as many of my moods and wyxzi as I can, discover which colorways/designs/patterns/textures correspond to those moods and wyxzi. Name them all. And then, decide which ones I want to feel more of, and which I want to feel less of.”
I didn’t do anything about it though. I wasn’t sure where to start. But also, it felt . . . kind of ridiculous, kind of self-indulgent . . . even though I know I have emotion-color synesthesia, so there are actual physical consequences for me when my surroundings are discordant with how I feel.
Certainly for all the time we’ve lived in Maryland (almost 6 years), I’ve also felt a pull to go through all my clothes and get rid of everything I didn’t love (or at least like), but then I didn’t do that either, because it’s not practical; it’ll be expensive to replace things; don’t I need boring & conventional clothes for work?; etc., etc.
Today, I realized those 2 impulses are intertwined.
This spring, I’ve been buying spring-colored clothes. When I wear them, I feel Amelia more often, which counteracts my usual endorphin-deficit. I have better-quality ideas. I just feel better.
What if part of the reason my moods & wyxzi stay lower than I want them to be is because I’m surrounded by clothes that jangle my nerves? Clothes are kind of a special sort of environment, because they accompany me wherever I go.
I’d been hung up on, “I don’t need ‘fancy’ clothes because I’m not social, so why would I ‘need’ to wear them?” When I’m just in the apartment all day, most days, I usually wear whatever’s handy, which is often, well, my pajamas, or the same pair of medium-gray pants & the same argyle-plaid woolly sweater in shades of brown and grey.
I actually like the sweater, but I’ve been wearing it every especially-cold day, for the entire winter.
I bought the pants because I thought I’d need conventionally-boring pants when/if I did things for my small business — business people inspire confidence by appearing “normal”, which is always not just conventional, but hideously boring! (To my eyes. I’m guessing other people have a different view.)
I describe the pants as “gray” not “grey” precisely because they are the same sort of gray that is often seen in utilitarian architecture. Under happier circumstances, I would never wear “gray”; I do wear and like certain shades of “grey”.
I have a different woolly cardigan that I sometimes wear in the winter because it’s quite warm. Spouse likes it. I want to like it, but . . . it’s a shade of plum that does not flatter my coloring (but does flatter Spouse, which is probably why he likes it). It has a birds’ eye design, in white — I hate white — with a very small repeat. It’s also itchy.
It’s a well-made sweater, that I got as a winter-holiday gift years ago. It’s been very functional. Spouse likes seeing me wear it. But . . . I don’t feel good in it. The shade of plum is . . . muted. When I wear it, I feel muted and unlovely and prickly.
What if I actually got rid of every item of clothing that makes me feel bad?
What if I only kept items of clothing that I feel good in when I wear them? How might my life change, if I did that?
What if part of my endorphin-deficit has been so persistent because I know what would make me feel better, but then I avoid or minimize those things, because Mrs. Nocerino finds them unseemly?
Bad enough that I’m now mixing colors and patterns helter-skelter on a regular basis, but if I actually gave away all the clothes that are conventional-and-practical-but-ugly-and-make-me-feel-depressed, I might start thinking I’m “special” or something, and That Would Be Terrible!
If I actually ate chocolate [cinnamon; honey; orange-, lime-, or lemon-anything] regularly partly because I enjoy the flavor notes and the mouthfeel, but also partly because doing so elevates my mood, That Would Be Cheating!
If I created my own clothes in Bizarre and Unconventional Styles, . . . that’s CRAZY.
If I want to not just daydream about solo travel, but actually try to figure out how I could do it . . . that’s CRAZY^2.
If I actually sit down and play around with making a poem that is hybrid-visual and -sculptural, . . . that’s CRAZY^3.
I wonder if Mrs. Nocerino can be bribed? What flavors / colors / patterns does she really love? Does she even know?
Because I’m 47, and my Real Life is waiting for me to start living it. And I want to!
First things first. More pink! More orange! More yellow! More yellow-green! More blue-green! More purple!
(I have new shoes that are mostly-orange, and I love them!)