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a new book opens

January 21, 2013

Maybe only the universe is still listening, but I’m back. I could say this is a stopgap measure, but really, I don’t know anything beyond … I need a place to think things through, and I miss blogging, so here I am.

In the 10 days I was away, however, I’ve changed a bunch of things.

I ended 3 relationships. And immediately felt lighter and liberated. I’m guessing my boundaries were somehow entangled with the other people, even though I wasn’t consciously aware of it. (Now I’m wondering if that’s why my unconscious was so insistent that I make the break.)

I’ve started going by a different name, which is gender-ambiguous.

I’d been stressing over what to do about my hair, but I found a new stylist. I talked to her about wanting to present in a more gender-ambiguous way, and she was interested in helping me do that (my old stylist had no idea what I was talking about). I’m happy with the cut she gave me, because it’s helping me transition to thinking of myself differently, but I think I’ll want something bolder next time.

I’ve been spending time at hardware stores. Buying stuff. Metal stuff, mostly. Today I also went a little overboard with paint chips.

I’ve gotten serious about revamping my entire studio. And it’s starting to look like a working studio of a fiber and mixed media artist.

I purged a bunch of my books–3 boxes of books that belonged to my old life were sold to Powell’s. There’ll be more going away soon.

I got rid of a bunch of stuff. The coffeemaker that my mother gave me as a ‘housewarming’ gift for my first apartment has finally departed my life. I have a new, much smaller coffeemaker that I used for the first time today. When I decided I needed a name for it, ‘Henry’ immediately popped into my mind, even though I don’t even know anyone named that, and I tend to think of people that I would name as being female, but hey, things have changed, so I’ve welcomed Henry into our household.

I’ve been looking at plants at our supermarket, and hardware stores. But I’m not ready yet.

I’m setting boundaries differently with Spouse.

I spent a week away from books. I had intended not to read other people’s writing at all, but did find myself reading the occasional blog post or ‘net news story. I’m going to keep that up for a while because I need to fill my bodymind with my own stuff.

I spent a week away from Twitter. I missed reading a lot, but I did not miss Twitter. I briefly checked in with Twitter earlier tonight, but I’m going to stay off it too. (Blog post updates are automatic, not something I have to manually do.)

There’s someone I see as regularly as I see anyone these days, and she seemed interesting, so I invited her to lunch this past weekend. That went well. We both expressed an interest in staying in touch. But the most interesting part to me was how free I felt as I walked away. I have no social obligations to anyone (except Spouse). I would’ve thought I’d feel paralyzed by loneliness, and sometimes I suppose I do, but not nearly all the time.

I’m seriously considering garment construction from a different angle: which style/design elements do I really like, and how might they work for bodies of a different gender than they were designed to be worn by? Do they work at all? Can they be modified? How can I play with fabrics and textures so that they complement the body wearing them? (But without being highly constructed.)

I’m thinking about eventually using fit models of various sizes, shapes, and genders.

I recently did something I’ve been thinking about for 25 years.

It’s been so long since I’ve ‘worked without a net’ that I’d forgotten how exhilarating it can be. I remembered how terrifying it can be. But I’d lost touch with how much I enjoy improvising. And not getting caught up in ‘what might happen, now that I’ve done this thing’. What might happen is out of my control, and frankly, a lot less important than it’s been in a long while.

That reminds me. This weird thing happened after I ended my relationships. I noticed that I was operating primarily on (what I think of as) my 2nd-level of brainpower. What I think of as my 1st level of brainpower is, I think, my conscious mind/ego. Before now, the only times I’ve operated with the 2nd level ascendant have been when I was emotionally depleted/stressed/panicked. Then, after a while, or a few hours, depending on circumstances, the 1st level has replenished itself and then come back online. But as far as I can tell, it’s still offline, even though it’s been over a week. So my emotions are much closer to the surface than usual. It occurred to me that I could probably figure out some way to do the equivalent of ‘force rebooting’ my 1st level/ego, but I decided not to. Maybe with the extensive reconfiguring going on, it makes more sense for my ego to be on vacation.

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