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abandonment, inside out

November 8, 2012

Maybe there’s a third option. Whenever I’ve realized that a relationship is no longer working for me, I still feel like letting go means I’m a bad person. A quitter. Disloyal. So I waffle about what to do, sometimes for months, often for years. Rarely, the person(s) does something to me so egregious that even I can admit I’m better off apart. (Although, in hindsight, that actually did happen more than ‘rarely’. Hmmm.)

I’ve been working on establishing personal boundaries, and then defending them. Pushing back when necessary. Practicing mindfulness, and, especially, Letting Go of Attachment to Outcomes.

What if I no longer want to be attached at the hip to 4 plants? Some of which I’ve shared a residence with for 20+ years. What if we really have grown apart?

Since I was 15, I’ve never not had a plant living close by who was a friend. I still will, because there are trees outside our apartment that I’m friendly with. But maybe we each need our own space.

Maybe I can’t establish personal boundaries comprehensively enough, if I’m never actually alone.  I do know that I need Spouse to leave the apartment when I’m creating. Well, the plants never leave.  Even if I go into another room, since I often talk to them in my mind (not vocalizing), I always feel like I have company. But maybe I need to find out what it feels like not to have company.

Instead of chasing after companionship and volunteering opportunities, maybe I need to spend time ALONE.

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