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how to let go

June 8, 2012

I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, and I need to just dive, but instead I dither endlessly. Or I am menaced by a monster/my sister/my mother. I could just ask them what they want. But no, I waste time and energy to fight with them, every single time.

I wake up. And I think, “That was a dream. I could have taken the swan dive – why didn’t I? I could have talked to my fears – why didn’t I do that?”

Well, because when I’m awake, I don’t do the hard thing.

I wait and wait and wait. Eventually something happens, and then I react to it. Or circumstances change, and I react to them.

And it’s still really hard to walk away. I look back a lot.

Even when I know I did the right thing, it’s painful.

But every time before now, circumstances did change, so it happened kind of naturally. In a few cases, I eventually realized that I was in so much emotional pain with the way things were that I thought it was killing me. So it was less painful to walk away, because I was saving my own life.

Neither of those things is true now.

And yet… what used to be vital, and vibrant, and even joyful sometimes is now none of those things. While I’m still connected, I can’t mourn. I can’t grieve. I’m stuck.

Before now, I would have just kept waiting until something changed.

But I’ve changed. I want to look the monster in the eye. I want to somersault off the cliff. I want to see what happens when I do the bold thing I’m afraid to do.

I’m scared. I don’t know how to do it. I’m already sad, and it will hurt a lot more when I really feel it.

It’s time to go where I’ve never gone before.

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