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grumbles

April 12, 2012

I have all of these interesting ideas swirling around in my mind, but they’re not ready to be written about … or my brain is most fertile at 5 AM when I’m trying to sleep, and so I refuse to get up and go to the computer. It’s very vexing.

Occasionally I sign petitions for various issues. But that’s never enough. They always want me to ‘pass the message along’ to Facebook, Twitter, and all of your other friends! I guess it never occurs to these people that introverts care about their causes. I almost never forward cause e-mails to anyone, including Spouse. On the rare occasions that I have forwarded a cause e-mail — just to dear friends — they don’t respond favorably.

Apparently I am anti-persuasive. I keep looking for the silver lining in that, but not finding it.

I really like writing. And I really like blogging. And I’ve been thinking about writing a post about the good things that have come from blogging. but then I start wondering if anyone is listening. Since I left Facebook, a bunch of my regular readers stopped reading, because it’s too much bother apparently. Including Spouse.

I keep reading biographies and memoirs about creative people who have all sorts of synchronicities happen, then I wonder why those things don’t happen to me. Then I tell myself I’m being stupid, because plenty of people in the world just have bad things happen all the time. What makes me so special? And then I start feeling despair again.

And none of this even touches the existential nihilism that I accidentally stumbled into a week ago. While I was totally trying to do something else! I didn’t think I was even capable of thinking nihilistically. It’s good to have more knowledge about myself, but … I don’t really need new ways to feel bad about everything.

I remind myself that cognitive science says when I’m sad, sad thoughts are easier to access. I know that I’m in a brain chemistry loop. But how do I get out of it? If I had the answer to that question, my life would have been totally different.

So I’ve been trying to put together a guest post for the Slacktiverse with my recommendations for Black media, mostly books that I have read. And I have read a lot of books that fit this description. But I keep struggling with what do I have to say — about this topic, about anything — that anyone wants to read?

I’ve been thinking about my blog’s motto: “meandering journeys seeking art, kinship, and community”. African-Americans, and any other cultural group that gets books written about themselves, are tightly-knit communities. When have I ever felt like part of a community? I think, Never. Maybe ‘seeking community’ is just an ideal, but I can’t find a way to make it work for me. Maybe I’ll always be an outsider, and I need to make my peace with that. That’s how Spouse thinks, and it works for him. Except that we’re rather unalike in this.

This post doesn’t seem to have a point, and I can’t figure out how to ‘resolve’ it, so I’m just going to end it.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Sixwing permalink
    April 13, 2012 11:47

    Hm. I don’t know if it’s a helpful thing, but I’m trying to check your blog semi-regularly, because you seem to know lots of things (and write about them!) that I’ve been trying to learn. You have lots to say that I want to read, but I don’t often feel I can respond in kind. I don’t comment much, because I don’t usually think I have anything good to say. I can try and comment more, though.

    Also, another polychron here, which helped me So Much to understand why I jump around all the time when I’ve got deadlines to meet, dangit.

    • April 13, 2012 12:15

      I’m glad to hear that you get some benefit from reading my blog! In-person social interaction is difficult for me, and I often feel like what I’m doing or saying is coming across as inappropriate or annoying, so any positive feedback is welcome. Don’t feel like you ‘should’ comment, if you can’t think of anything to say, but if/when someone tells me what specific thing(s) resonated for them, it is affirming in a way that rarely happens to me. (It’s hard being an introvert!)

      • Sixwing permalink
        April 13, 2012 14:28

        Gotcha! 😀
        Being also-an-introvert, I get that. *nod* I will try and leave actual feedback more often, instead of just nodding thoughtfully and going and chewing on the things I’ve read.

      • April 13, 2012 14:33

        I thought you might be another introvert – glad to see I got that one right. 🙂

  2. Kathy permalink
    April 14, 2012 22:46

    I always read, but I don’t always have anything to say… or I have too much to say, at which point I email. 🙂

    That said, I think teh interwebs is a bad place to look for affirmation, because people are often even more unpleasant when anonymous than they are in person.

    • April 15, 2012 15:04

      I realized yesterday that the types of online interactions I find most affirming all seem to happen via e-mail. Probably because that is one-on-one, and you can get as in-depth as you need or want to, without worrying that your comments are open to the public.

      Strangely, I have not received any feedback that is unpleasant. Perhaps because my traffic is so low?

  3. April 16, 2012 15:35

    I don’t know what to say really. What you’re talking about is very familiar, but if I talk about that it seems like I’m just going, “Me too,” and taking away from you. Plus it’s not like I have a solution. If I did I would have put it to use years ago.

    I think synchronicity always happens, it’s just that you can only see it when you’re in the right frame of mind. Which means that when you need it most, you can’t use it. (With the plus side being that if you do somehow start to improve things that might give you the ability to see the synchronicity which might reinforce the upward trend.)

    If I had the answer to that question, my life would have been totally different.

    I’ve been thinking about missed opportunities of late. If you can avoid doing that, I recommend to avoid it. It doesn’t seem to help. It seems to do the opposite. In other words, if I had the answer to that question, my life would have been totally different too.

    When I come here I tend to do it via This Week in the Slacktiverse. I don’t always come, because I’m usually not in a reading frame of mind, but whenever I have what I’ve found has been well written and worth reading.

    • April 16, 2012 16:39

      I was thinking about you when I wrote this post. I hit publish partly because I’ve seen you write similar things, so I didn’t feel like I was just being whiny.

      I spent all day today writing another post, that was way more gut-wrenching.

      I appreciate that you commented. I always like reading what you have to say too.

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