I have all of these interesting ideas swirling around in my mind, but they’re not ready to be written about … or my brain is most fertile at 5 AM when I’m trying to sleep, and so I refuse to get up and go to the computer. It’s very vexing.
Occasionally I sign petitions for various issues. But that’s never enough. They always want me to ‘pass the message along’ to Facebook, Twitter, and all of your other friends! I guess it never occurs to these people that introverts care about their causes. I almost never forward cause e-mails to anyone, including Spouse. On the rare occasions that I have forwarded a cause e-mail — just to dear friends — they don’t respond favorably.
Apparently I am anti-persuasive. I keep looking for the silver lining in that, but not finding it.
I really like writing. And I really like blogging. And I’ve been thinking about writing a post about the good things that have come from blogging. but then I start wondering if anyone is listening. Since I left Facebook, a bunch of my regular readers stopped reading, because it’s too much bother apparently. Including Spouse.
I keep reading biographies and memoirs about creative people who have all sorts of synchronicities happen, then I wonder why those things don’t happen to me. Then I tell myself I’m being stupid, because plenty of people in the world just have bad things happen all the time. What makes me so special? And then I start feeling despair again.
And none of this even touches the existential nihilism that I accidentally stumbled into a week ago. While I was totally trying to do something else! I didn’t think I was even capable of thinking nihilistically. It’s good to have more knowledge about myself, but … I don’t really need new ways to feel bad about everything.
I remind myself that cognitive science says when I’m sad, sad thoughts are easier to access. I know that I’m in a brain chemistry loop. But how do I get out of it? If I had the answer to that question, my life would have been totally different.
So I’ve been trying to put together a guest post for the Slacktiverse with my recommendations for Black media, mostly books that I have read. And I have read a lot of books that fit this description. But I keep struggling with what do I have to say — about this topic, about anything — that anyone wants to read?
I’ve been thinking about my blog’s motto: “meandering journeys seeking art, kinship, and community”. African-Americans, and any other cultural group that gets books written about themselves, are tightly-knit communities. When have I ever felt like part of a community? I think, Never. Maybe ‘seeking community’ is just an ideal, but I can’t find a way to make it work for me. Maybe I’ll always be an outsider, and I need to make my peace with that. That’s how Spouse thinks, and it works for him. Except that we’re rather unalike in this.
This post doesn’t seem to have a point, and I can’t figure out how to ‘resolve’ it, so I’m just going to end it.