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it’s been a while

March 9, 2012

…since I posted last.

I don’t seem to have gluten-intolerance after all. I saw my doctor (about something else), and she didn’t think the gluten thing was worth looking into, so I’ve slowly been adding gluten back into my diet, and have had no new problems.

It seems weird to remember that, just a few short years ago, I was in overall good health, and took it for granted. Now, every time I turn around, I’ve got some new puzzling symptom of something that is constricting my life. I don’t want a repeat of 2010, where I ran to the doctor every 5 minutes, and we mostly didn’t figure out what most of the issues were anyway, before they sometimes went away on their own, or just became my new reality.

It seems a bit early in the year to already have had allergy-related headaches, but the maple trees are blooming, and there are flowers all over the grass. Also, sun-intensity headaches have started back up again, even though temperatures are still quite variable. It’s not even officially spring yet, much less summer!

And I’m having another existential/philosophical crisis. I’ve had at least 3 before, maybe 4, maybe more, depending on which definition I use. I survived the others, but the timing is always bad. It’s always unexpected, and not the crisis I wanted to face, not the crisis I was prepared to face. I was seeking answers to thorny questions, but suddenly I realize the real issues are much larger and more troubling than I had imagined. That it’s possible that nothing will ever ‘make sense’ in a way I can live with; that I’ll have to choose what to ignore and discount, just to get back to things being bearable inside my head. I don’t want that to be true. I pride myself on being able to face unpalatable truths, and live with reality. Maybe those ideas, though, are illusions that help me live my life without screaming. Maybe reality really is impossibly hard, and everyone has to make concessions of one sort or another. Or maybe I’ve gotten a glimpse of Reality, and it’s too much for my limited human brain. I wanted to be more-than-human in a good way, but now I just feel like an alien everywhere.

‘Human nature’ is a thing that I really dislike. I don’t want to ‘transcend’ it so much as evolve it in different directions. But say I manage to do that, at least for myself — who will I relate to? who will be my people?

I feel like I’m on a threshold of leaving behind everything that I’ve ever thought was true. Do I dare to step through that door? Because if I do, what if I can’t come back? even for visits? What if ‘going on’ means I really become ‘alien’ in some sense? But also, maybe I’m already through the door, but have only just noticed. Maybe it’s already too late to go back.

I do remember from past existential crises that nothing ever makes sense while I’m in the hurricane. I have to pass through the doorway, all the way through, get some distance from that annealing process, before anything even starts to make sense. I know that, and yet, it’s scary and unfathomable and overwhelming, so I want to think/feel my way. There never is any company, any companionship. There never has been anyone to talk to who is also going through their own process, at the same time. (Sometimes, rarely, I find someone who’s been through it before, so they understand how tough it is.)

Just when I got used to thinking of ‘who I am’ as being not a result but a process, now I’m facing the question of ‘what I am’ or ‘what I could be’. There is no model, no path to follow. I’m inventing as I go.


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