When I started my blog almost 2 years ago, I was my own most-frequent reader, but I had 3 other people that read what I wrote most of the time. They almost never commented though. So occasionally I would wonder, why am I bothering to put my words out into the world? Does anyone care what I have to say about anything?
What I came up with was a conceit that I was talking to the universe, and the universe, at least, was listening. It was sort of silly, but it worked for me, kept me going.
Now I think of myself as a writer, so that’s reason enough to send my words into the world.
Still, like most writers, I often worry when I’ve been ‘too frank’: did I really need to be that honest? Couldn’t I have hedged my bets, made sure I looked more sympathetic, smarter, less of a weirdo? What if I offended people, and they don’t like me anymore?
Maybe I should tone things down. Maybe I should self-censor. Maybe I should only write things that are positive and upbeat. Maybe I should avoid controversy.
The thing is, writing to an audience of “the universe” gave me the sense, for the first time in my life, that someone would accept everything I said as being worth listening to. Not that they would agree, not that they would like it, necessarily anyway, but that they would listen.
When I listen to myself, I hear things I didn’t know I knew. I learn about myself, and the world. I start to figure out what my life could be about.
I don’t have answers, I have questions. I almost never tell anyone else what to do, because how could I possibly know what would be best for them? I don’t want to be a leader; I don’t even understand why leadership is so revered.
I’m trying to be a philosopher, partly because I like thinking, and partly because ‘philosopher’ seems more pragmatic, more useful, than ‘idealist’ or ‘visionary’.
I don’t want to just think, though, I want to do things. And that means I’ll make mistakes, which is good, because that’s how I learn best.
I’m documenting my own journey, and I can only write about what I know from experience. I promised myself that on this blog I wouldn’t sugarcoat my process. I wouldn’t pretend to be a better person than I am.
I don’t want to change any person but me.
And writing this blog has changed me, so I’m going to keep doing it. The universe is listening, and so am I.