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shadow tides

July 30, 2011

This morning I dreamed my grandmother had just died. I took an exam in school that someone told me I would pass easily; because of my grief, however, I was in a fog and I only answered the first and last questions. Later, when I realized that meant I would fail the test, I talked to the teacher, who was Sr. Connie, and she said I could retake it later.

This is the first dream I’ve had in a while that (1) I remember, and (2) feels significant, so I’m trying to figure out what it could mean. I did recognize that both my grandmother and Sr. Connie were mentioned in 7.15.11 My Heras post. I unexpectedly heard from several family members this past week for reasons wholly unrelated to the family drama of three weeks ago. I’ve been mulling over how to respond to these women. I realized, somewhat shockingly, that I now feel drawn to doing things differently than I have been doing them for six years. That I feel I can perhaps make a contribution to my extended family in ways I was never able to manage before. I am struggling with how unwelcome these ideas are. But then it occurred to me that if I utterly refused to entertain these thoughts, to figure out what I could do with them constructively, that is just another way to create more shadow aspects (when I’ve been working so diligently to transform the shadow aspects I already have into integrated members of my inner being). As someone who has committed to a psychological alchemy approach to spiritual growth, I can’t turn away from my own psyche. I need to at least listen to what my selves are telling me, and honor what they ask of me, before deciding what to do. But I cannot dismiss them out of hand simply because I’m scared and unsure.

Uncertainty, fear, and dread are emotions most people do their utmost to avoid. But I think they make life a lot more interesting — certainly a lot more surprising. After the past couple years I’ve had, I live for the moment, and I revel in who I am right now. Change is good, even when it hurts.

So the tide has turned, let’s see what happens next.

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