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deepest cravings

June 28, 2011

“We have been raised to fear the yes within ourselves … our deepest cravings. And the fear of our deepest cravings keeps them suspect, keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, and leads us to settle for or accept many facets of our own oppression.” ~ Audre Lorde

Last night I was following a thread of thought while researching a topic on the Internet, and I suddenly realized that this project was exactly what I wanted to be doing right now, and that nothing else was hanging over my head, making me feel torn by my obligations. I was completely free to savor the moment of being in charge of my own direction.

When I thought about it later, trying to remember the last time I felt that way, I couldn’t really come up with anything at all recently. Certainly last year, I could have been researching any project and filling my time that way, but I was mired in depression, so I didn’t have any projects I felt good about.

Changing the name of this blog reflected me putting my writing first, not fitting it in to scraps of time and energy after satisfying other obligations. Specifically, I withdrew from the graphic design project for the ATA. It was well beyond my abilities, and the time I would’ve needed to spend to learn the software was time I preferred to devote my writing.

Deliberately putting my writing first feels like I’ve stepped off a cliff, into thin air. I feel exhilarated, terrified, and panicky all at once.

But new topics I could write about surge and roil in my mind, as if a dam has burst. I feel more creative, more energized in a hundred directions. My thinking seems to have deepened, but that makes sense — perilous times forge strong bonds, trust — and all my selves perforce stepped off that cliff with me. We are truly in this all together.

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