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early morning ruminations

January 6, 2011

I noticed yesterday that something inside has shifted, and I now feel my own immanent worth at a deep level. Not only that, I asserted it to others in writing in a context where I have often, instead, portrayed myself as someone who is acted upon, rather than someone who acts.

I’ve also asked for help recently, which is something I have great difficulty in doing.

I’m back to wondering what prospects would delight me. I know I need to set goals, I know I need to develop self-discipline. But both of those steps seem almost like punishment. Surely they would be much more palatable if the goals I set for things I felt passionately about? Except every time I try to think of goals that fit that description, my mind goes blank.

Many things continue to seem very hard right now. On the other hand, a year ago, while I was facing a lot fewer challenges, I felt on the verge of despair. I don’t feel that way now. In fact, I’m a bit amazed at the quantum leap my coping skills have taken in one year.

Some part of me wants things to become easier. But I also recognize that if things did become easier right now, without me first making some of the changes I still need to make, I would fall right back into inertia.

My progress in certain life lessons seems almost glacially slow, which is frustrating. But I am making progress. I’m nurturing myself by accepting the path I’m walking and my pace. I’m seeking what new insights can be discovered by mindfully inhabiting the moments I’m living.

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