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December 16, 2010

The day before Thanksgiving, I got some unexpected news. And so my priorities have shifted again. I have days of very low energy, days in which I snuggle under blankets and read, or think, but rarely do much else. I realized today that it’s not laziness or apathy; I’m again lying fallow, and great changes are germinating below the surface.

When Aquarius ended much earlier this year, I noticed that Ereshkigal never really left. As time went on, I felt her presence over my shoulder as more things were winnowed away. I can hardly recall what it felt like to be facing the issues I thought I was facing one year ago: my frame of reference has changed all out of recognition since then. Even six months ago, I was in a completely different place emotionally.

I’m back to uncertainty and ambiguity and learning mindfulness. Perhaps I will never again have that sense of certainty I used to take for granted, thinking I knew exactly who I was, and what I was capable of. I think that certainty was an illusion, and a crutch, and probably an obstacle to spiritual growth.

I went for a walk today in the snow. I took photographs. I breathed deeply of the cold crisp air. I was thankful for the present moment.

I’m realizing what is really important to me. And I’m letting go of things that don’t fit me anymore.

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