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Pisces ebbs

March 19, 2010

I tend to look forward to Pisces every year; a bit less to Scorpio, and still less to Cancer (historically, I’ve had a complicated relationship with Demeter). My astrological chart shows no watery influences, but I feel an affinity for bodies of water, and dreams/emotions/the unconscious, so I often feel “at home” during Pisces. And it can be a contemplative breathing space before the energy of Aries begins a new yearly cycle.

This year, I’ve felt less Neptune and Jupiter, and more Sedna (which is more usual for me during Scorpio, since that’s the end of my religious year). Sedna is an Inuit goddess of the ocean. Her story is one of grief and abandonment and melancholy.

My life’s themes cycle and recycle. As I’ve said before, I like change — I’m a Fire sign; we’re happiest when we’re moving, literally and figuratively. But sometimes, when you enter a period of upheaval, like I’ve been in for quite a while now … if I’d known ahead of time just how long I’d feel depressed/anxious/despairing, could I have had the strength of will to volunteer to go ahead with it all? I try to remember that there have been (thankfully, very few!) times that I’ve been so worn down to a nub that I might as well go ahead and scour out the very last bit of festering hurts and traumas and mal-adaptive behaviors, since I’m here at this crossroads yet again. Sometimes it appears that facing the same (sorts of) choices isn’t enough; they have to occur in a specific sequence. Otherwise, the needed healing doesn’t go deep enough. I guess anyway.

I will say, I have a new-found appreciation for breathing deeply and easily; for having the strength and desire to amble through my neighborhood; for being alive and having dear friends who care about my welfare.

All these months later, and I’m still adrift, rudderless, in the middle of a river so wide I see no shores, and I have no idea where I’m going, except forward. So I might as well enjoy every day, and learn as much as I can.

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