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turns out, i’m more boromir than faramir

January 10, 2010

More dream-related epiphanies. I spent today grieving over my new unpleasant discoveries.

Last night I had 2 dreams, one each showing me the viewpoints of dS and dE. dS and dE were both reasonable, sane, and more patient with dMe than I deserved. dMe, however, was a total jerk, and largely unconcerned about how much trouble I was making for everyone else.

In waking life, I’ve determined that my usual course of action related to (inner) authority has typically taken one of two paths:

  1. I procrastinate making any sort of choice until it’s “too late”, and then I end up with “leftovers” — some crappy default option that’s the only thing still possible. (And then I complain bitterly about my bad luck.)
  2. I evaluate my external audience enough to craft a character/role I can inhabit [for example: INTP], and then I become that persona and do what they would do. Eventually, that persona founders because it’s not based on something solid, and when that happens, I flounder around until I can create a new character. Since each character has been artificially constructed from the outside-in (not grown or evolved naturally), I can’t authentically or organically “fix” anything, but have to start over.

In neither case do I have any idea whatsoever what choices my authentic self would make. In fact, I realized today that I don’t think I even know who my authentic self is. I’ve been wearing masks and playing roles for too long. I need to reconnect with whomever I am inside. I’ve been generating ideas to do just that.

I also realized that I’ve been smugly thinking of myself as Faramir, uninterested in the Ring, even as I coveted temporal power and thought about what noble uses I would put it to. Unsullied by base motives and agendas that lesser beings hold, of course.

Which makes pretty clear why I keep finding other Boromirs (or Heras) everywhere I go. Because I’m one too. And as the deep dark secret I’ve been hiding from myself, I then project it outward and see it (and hate it) everywhere I go. At least some of the other Boromir/Heras I’ve met are honest with themselves about who and what they are. I’ve been not only lying to everyone else, but lying to myself too.

So, as I’m figuring out what I care about and who I am and want to be, I’ll also be considering how best to limit the power my inner Boromir exerts over all my other aspects, so that we can learn to share and cooperate and work together on the goals my higher Self has for us/me.

Edited to add: I think rediscovering my non-Boromir selves will have to include more social contact, a la Consequential Strangers.

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