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my higher self shows up…

January 8, 2010

and She’s not exactly beaming with pride. But I am pleased to see who she looks like: SC, my favorite teacher from high school, and one of the biggest influences on my moral development. It’s good to “see” her again, especially since the real person died 9 years ago.

This week has been unprecedented in significant dreams. I often have one in a week, possibly even two (although not about the same topics) if I’m working through a bunch of stuff. This week, I’ve had three; and two were on the same topic, on consecutive nights! I don’t think that’s ever happened before. Someone’s been working overtime to catch my attention, and I’m hoping I’ve figured out the right message.

Both dreams were set in high school, with SC as the teacher, me as a student, facing an exam. In the first one, I received back an exam that I’d anticipated I’d done reasonably well at, but looked at the sheaf of pages with a sinking heart. A ‘B’ was the highest section grade; the other section grades were C’s, D’s, and F’s. I spent some time trying to compute my overall grade. My eye was caught by one particular question which SC had just explained that many people who had not studied properly had missed, and had all gotten the same wrong answer. I noticed I had also put down that same wrong answer, but I knew it was because I’d guessed wildly, having no idea. In any case, I and three other women were dismissed from class early because we hadn’t studied enough. Initially, I was half-pleased, thinking I’d go home early; when I got into the warren of hallways though, I realized I had an entire day of classes left, and little idea of where most of them were, or what they were for. (That last part is always an element in my high-school-setting dreams.)

The dream last night was more intense. I was taking an exam, which was partially open-book (we could look up tables in the textbook). As I read the questions, I was bemused and then anxious. First, the subject matter was all over the place: math, geography, sociology, economics, biology. Second, I had only a vague recollection of ever having read about the topics. I not only had, for whatever reason, not studied for the exam, I hadn’t read the textbook at all. Third, I couldn’t really understand the questions being asked. They assumed a level of knowledge I simply didn’t have. Fourth, I realized this class was part of a sequence for something like pre-med, so our coursework was building a cumulative foundation for the future, and my classmates and I were part of a cohort. But I wasn’t sure how I got into the program. I didn’t remember ever being particularly interested in the topic, and could not then recall what I thought this was leading towards. Fifth, I expected to finish the exam early because I wasn’t going to bother writing much in, when I was so lost. But I found myself trying to come up with relevant answers — SC expected me to give my best effort; my cohort would be disappointed if I didn’t even try — and as time ticked away, others finished, but I had pages and pages to go. There was no hope of finishing before the period ended.

So, I think the dreams are telling me I’m expecting too much understanding at too early of a stage in the process. I’ve been overhauling my life for one whole week now, which is much too soon to expect that I can know where I’m going, and/or how I’ll get there. Basically, I’m missing the forest for the trees. So I’m going to work on not over-thinking the results. Right now, I’ll concentrate on winnowing away the old to make room for the new, when it arrives/evolves on its own schedule, without trying to shoehorn it into a timetable.

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