A few days ago, a picture suddenly popped into my mind, with the caption that “you need more yellow in your life”. I’ve been puzzling over how to add yellow ever since. At first I thought of garments: a yellow skirt, a yellow top, yellow shoes, a yellow hat. I can’t really imagine myself wearing any of those things though. Historically, I’ve hated yellow. I don’t know why.
I don’t look good in yellow. But there are plenty of other colors I don’t look good in that I love anyway. So that’s not why.
I’ve been working on cultivating a relationship with yellow orange for several years now. I already love pretty much any shade of yellow green.
It could be that yellow is a primary color. I don’t have any bad feelings towards red, but when I look at my yarn or fabric stashes, there is almost no true red (although lots of red orange and red violet). But that’s not it either, because I love many shades of blue.
Tonight I thought of finding something yellow that I own, holding it in my hands, and sort of meditating on what it wants to mean to me. I’ve had luck doing that with other color related things. It turns out the only thing I own that is the saturated yellow I need is a small scrap of yellow jersey fabric (that someone else gave me). I’ve been dutifully rubbing that. I’m not getting any ideas. It’s too smooth and featureless.
I don’t think the picture-thought was really about garments anyway. Since my moods and wyxzi are entangled with colors, there must be some mood or wyxzi that corresponds to saturated yellow. That’s what I’m supposed to be adding. But what kind of mood or wyxzi have I not felt at all? That, in fact, I’ve avoided feeling?
The first idea that popped into my head when I asked myself those questions was “confidence”. But I have felt confident before. Still, I think confidence must be a good place to start. Maybe it’s one flavor note among many.
If I expand my idea of yellow outward—say I walk into a room that’s bright yellow—how do I feel? Kind of intimidated. The room is strong, bold, confident, assured. It’s ‘sunny’, which could mean cheerful or optimistic, but could also mean, well, kind of Leo like. Leo is actually my sun sign, but Leos are normally described as boisterous, extroverted, the life of the party. The one quality of Leo I think I can claim is generosity. I have always aspired to being ‘larger than life’, but I don’t think I’ve managed it. I can’t turn into an extrovert, and I don’t want to. I hate parties.
I know my unconscious mind is not trying to trick me, or make me feel bad. There must be something here I’m missing.
How about I buy a yellow car? (Thought experiment only.) I wouldn’t buy a yellow car. It’s too flashy; it’s too . . . strong? It’s not nuanced at all. It’s not complex. And yet, if my car was yellow (especially if it was sparkly, because I love sparkly) . . . as soon as I think of it as my car, I feel myself wanting to grin with delight! That’s really weird. It feels like the circus. Or at least, how you think the circus is going to be when you’re a kid but you’ve never been. Kind of magical and ‘anything is possible’ and ‘marvels await’.
It’s like Opening A Door to Wonder(?). Yellow? Really? How did I never realize this before? Probably because I was hating yellow.
Oh, this is unsettling. But also kind of delicious.
(Now I kind of want a sparkly yellow car. And Call Me Maybe just started playing in my mind’s ear. I totally love that song. I’ve watched about 100 versions of the video, and I love all of them.)